If she says “I’m fine” that means she’s fine and you can keep playing Xbox
You Might Also Like
Me: I just want to go on vacation where the food is cheap, there are no kids, and no other people
Husband: So send the kids to your parents for a week and stay home?
Me: Perfect
If he says “you’re 1 in a million” it means he either has no knowledge of the world population or he thinks there are 7000 people like you
[First Date]
Her: Your Tinder profile says you’re a great listener
Me: Really. Ugh. That’s a typo. It should say I’m a “great listener.”
“Ugh, it’s so dark!” *shivers* “And cold! Why is it so huge? It’s, like, jeez, does it go on forever?!”
– Larry, the worst astronaut
MOM: I don’t care how old you are, you’ll always be my baby
ME [being passed around by her friends to hold] ok but this is weird, I need to get to work
I never scrape my back window so when I back out of parking spots I let Jesus decide if I’m gonna kill anyone
Bruce Willis is at the supermarket, standing by the cucumbers & laughing hysterically, pointing at them with tears streaming down his face
My kids have strategically placed items in an overflowing garbage can like they’re building a Jenga puzzle.
Have kids. It’s fun.
it’s not abuse if the substance likes it.
This message is invisible.
Only people who suffer from
lack of sex can read this.
[job interview]
HR: *reading medical history* it says here you’re a former addict?
Me: *snorting lines off the desk* typo
I dropped a bottle of ketchup on my foot yesterday…
it caused severe pain…
to… ma… toes…
interviewer: can you type fast?
me: yes, that and SEVERAL other words
Me: makes the painful yet responsible choice to face the day
Universe: Here’s an actual dead fly in your cup of coffee
I have never cried at the movies as much as I did after Les Misérables when my wife said I couldn’t have fried chicken for the drive home.
MIND BLOWING SCIENCE FACT: 20% of all car crashes are actually battles between the Autobots and the Decepticons.
Texting 15 year old son after his high school dance:
Me: Hi baby! How was the dinner beforehand? Did you have fun? How was the dance? Did you dance with your date? Did you remember to tell her that her dress was pretty? Was it fun?
15: good
Nissan keeps sending me emails with my monthly vehicle health report. I hope the car is healthy but I haven’t owned it for 3 months.
I never blamed anyone for my broken dreams except maybe myself but mostly my alarm clock.
Someone called me an “alarmist old lady,” when Boomer Doomer was right there.
Of course I’m gonna miss my husband when he goes away for the weekend in 45 hours 23 minutes and….*checks watch*….27 seconds
As an adult, I’m most afraid when my children’s toys randomly make noise and nobody is in their rooms….
Noah, surrounded by a million pieces & trying to make sense of his IKEA Arke pictogram instructions, feels the first drop of rain.
Shit.
The Carpenters: Why do birds suddenly appear every time you are near?
Me: Those aren’t birds. They’re giant blood sucking mosquitos.
[funeral for human statue street performer] *throws dollar into casket just in case*
omg i love that my Tinder date has floor drains in all the rooms of his deserted farmhouse
Taking my daughter to scope out a university today and as she asked me not to embarrass her, I’m going dressed as Legolas.
Jaws (1975): people started hating a shark for doing normal shark things
If drinking too much alcohol makes you an alcoholic, does drinking too much Fanta make you fantastic?
You’re one day closer to death AND you get free cake? What’s not to like about birthdays?