When people ask “Where do you see yourself in 5 years?” just reply with “Space” then silently stare at the sky until they leave.
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Remember, that the reason your kids can be so fuckin annoying sometimes..
Is that they’re miniature versions of you
You better take care of me Lord, if you don’t you’re gonna have me on your hands.
[escorted out of google hq with armful of snakes at 9:02am on my 1st day] WELL MAYBE U SHOULDA CLARIFIED WAT U MEANT BY “PYTHON PROGRAMMER”
*Busts through Kool-aid mans wall*
Kool-aid man: Not cool. What I do is fake. This is our home
Me: I’m sorr…
*A sippy cup starts crying*
10: Can we go to the adoption store and pick up a new baby?
Me: Sweet girl, Mama has 4 kids. If we go right now it’s probably to drop off.
I’m just a girl.
Standing in front of a girl.
Wondering how she got her eyeliner on so perfectly.
[shootout]
Cop: I said fire a warning shot
Me: I already did.
Cop: you shot him in the face
Me: warning the others that I’m a very good shot
alcoholic: you drive me to drink
designated driver: ok
It makes me feel sick that i come from such a long line of hypochondriacs.
I refuse to have sex with a condom. Last time I had sex with a condom, the condom never called me again.
You know who DOES see something wrong with a little bump n’ grind?
Trevor in human resources.
Ain’t no way
Lassie once told me a boy fell down a well, but since no one else can speak dog I ignored it because I was building a furniture fort.
Asserting dominance by starting all my private DMs with “I hope this dm finds you well”
“Oh wow, I don’t even recognize myself!”
-Lois Lane getting fitted for glasses
[attempting Guinness Book of Records for most people mauled by a bear]
ME: Thank you all for coming
37 OF MY FRIENDS: Why r we here again?
“NO YOU’RE DRUNK,” she says playfully into the mirror, then promptly resumes disappointing her boyfriend’s mom at family dinner.
Two hard boiled eggs I left on the table before going to wash hands?
[vasectomy]
Doctor: how did that vase get in there, again?
The 9th rule of fight club is no roller skates. honestly guys I don’t know why we keep having to say this.
boss: can i speak to you in my office
me: anything you need to say to me, you can say in front of my crocodiles
I was raised by my father.
He was a competitive poker player.
“How was the beach? You hang ten or what?”
No but I stabbed a couple because they kept asking stupid questions about my vacation
People only fall for me because I give them a swift leg swoop when they least expect it.
As a teacher, you’re sometimes privileged to witness life moments. I saw a girl approach a boy to ask if he wanted her number.
He paused, then pulled out his phone. Utter joy on the girl’s face.
I then confiscated the phone as it’s against rules to have it out in the corridor.
doctor: you have a brain disorder that causes you to give the most ridiculous responses to serious news
wife: [crying]
me: that’s a spicy meatball
Everyone’s all up in arms about how undemocratic the electoral college is and yet we let our weather be decided by A SINGLE UNELECTED GROUNDHOG??!!?!?
Matt Damon: I have 4 daughters which means I have… *counting aloud on fingers* 4 respect for women
I had a dream that I was making an offer on a house and it came with 12 kids. I asked the owner “why aren’t you taking all your children?” She replied “I don’t like them.”
I thought dreams weren’t supposed to make sense.
My son told me tonight I was the best mom in the world. I couldn’t be happier.. even though he’s a cat, and actually didn’t say that. But I know he’s thinking it.