My friend offered me a free pole dance class. I said no. With my debt, the last thing I need to find out is that I’m great at pole dancing.
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Everyone is fighting a battle you know nothing about. Get yourself one of those swords from the mall. Stay vigilant
If you make a cup of coffee in the office after 3pm people act like you’re doing a line off the counter
When someone’s ignoring me I like to break into their house at night and steal all their shoes.
We’ll see how busy you are tomorrow.
Waterboarding at Guantanamo Bay sounds super fun if you don’t know what either of those things are.
HER: Why is your safe full of pasta?
ME: A penne saved is a penne earned.
if u put a disguise on a cow then legally the cow is incowgnito
So we’re agreed: if that balloon flies over any of us, we moon it like it’s 1978
Falling in love with me is like cutting your own hair. As in you’ll regret it later.
You have to sit up to drink coffee in bed. I know that now.
the only reason sharks haven’t built an advanced civilization yet is because they’ll die if they stop swimming. they simply have no time to scribe laws or lay bricks or invent pottery
*4yo son, crying*
I’m sorry! How was I supposed to know I wasn’t supposed to cook the macaroni necklace?
*sigh*
Parenting is hard.
Cop: ma’am i pulled you over because you were tailgating me
Me: okay first of all, if you didn’t want me tailgating you maybe you shouldn’t have a dog in the car
HELLO, FIRST TIME CALLER, LONG TIME LISTENER, OCCASIONAL MURDERER.
I used to wear tailored suits. Now I have “good” leggings, “grocery store” leggings and “so it’s come to this” leggings.
Aragorn: You have my sword.
Legolas: And you have my bow.
Gimli: And my axe.
Airport Security: Again, gentlemen, those items are not allowed on the plane.
Aragorn: But we’re heading to –
Airport Security: Mordor, I know. Look, you’re this close to getting on the no fly list.
son: dad sing me a song
me: alright *clears throat* SHAWTY HAD THEM APPLE BOTTOM JEANS
wife from the other room: JEANS
me: BOOTS WITH THE FUR
wife: *shows up, grabs both door handles and drops it low* WITH THE FUR
me: THE WHOLE CLUB WAS LOOKING AT HER
Me: Do you have any books on paranoia?
Librarian : They’re right behind you.
Me: [adjusting cargo shorts] These babies are built for performance.
My wife: You’ve been sitting on the couch watching football all day
Me: [pulling a small container of bean dip out of one pocket and a bag of tortilla chips out of another] Was a question in there somewhere?
My organization style can be best described as “just don’t look in that room.”
“I don’t want to see the movie until I read the book first” is why I’ve never watched a movie in my life
Mouse astronaut, six seconds after setting foot on the moon: I have been lied to
This idea is the best gift I’ve ever given myself
Bruce Wayne: hey, how would you like to take a ride in my batmobi—I mean…brucemobile?
Date: uhh
Bruce: my regular normal carmobile
me, every single month: why do i feel like shit. why am i so bloated. why am i so upset. i have never felt like this before in my life
I’m as useless as the top two buttons on a Greek mans dress shirt.
I’ve been dieting for a little over a week and I already gained three pounds.
BREAKING NEWS: every movie & thing you like is delayed. There. Done.
[8am, phone rings]
Hotel Desk: Ma’am we’re going to be turning off the water for about 2 hours this morning.
Me: No worries, I have vodka.
what ages does the sticky crusty food particles all over the fridge door handles stop? because it’s not 13, 9 and 7.
Thinking about getting real into bonsai trees. It seems like an expensive hobby that I’ll lose interest in almost immediately, which is right in my wheelhouse