*looks at crushed dead raccoon on the side of the road* i’m thinking Arby’s™
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I’ve got a great sense of humor *closes eyes and tilts head slightly upward* yes. there is humor nearby. 40, no, 50 yards from here
This idiot from Apple reckons that the “Temperature, iPhone needs to cool down” warning message has nothing to do with all my hot selfies
I need a strapping man or woman to come fireman carry me upstairs to bed and brush my teeth. No weirdos (which is why my husband can’t do it).
The best part about pooping with the door open is seeing the faces of everyone in the elevator.
Me: [Advancing my knight] How much to build a hotel on this square?
Grim Reaper: First, as I explained, that’s not how the horse moves.
I wear the same outfit for 3 days but when I’m going away for 3 days I pack enough clothes for 7 days just in case my personality completely changes while I’m gone.
Just saw that french fries, sugar, and coffee speed up the aging process, so my age right now is 172.
If pharmaceutical companies have taught me anything, they’ve taught me that people with life threatening illnesses love to hike.
HOW I DRESS FOR UNIVERSITY
First day of the week: brad pitt
Last day of the week: homeless druggie
Bank Robber: Did anyone see my face?
Me: *raising hand* I’m pretty sure Barb did.
This burned out sign has given me the permission I need to take care of my neighborhood grocer once and for all
“The name’s Bond, James Bond…
and you are”?
Sorry I haven’t tweeted in a couple of days. My kid followed me from room to room making really obnoxious whale noises and I feel like I’ve gotten a taste of my own medicine
Have you been working out? You look amazing! You should be a supermodel. I ran over your dog.
Pretty certain that wife and I would win the gold in the Olympic event of rage loading the dishwasher
People who pretend they don’t know me when they see me in public are the real heroes
Lmao
There are so many tornados in Ohio, the state bird is lawn furniture
I’m gonna hang on to you one more year, bottle of relish.
Looks like the mayor is getting serious.
I was just thinking “oh shoot I forgot something” and it came out as “oh fruit”
[meeting]
BOSS: We need a name that gives us a good ad slogan
ME: Perhapselline?
MY NEMESIS GARY: Maybelline?
B: You’re incredible, Gary
Two Ways Sharks Can Die:
1. if they stop swimming
2. if they start swimming (into my fists)
I’ll write I’ll write I’ll write.
In the rookiest of moves, at 4:30PM on Christmas Eve, my husband asked what our 5yo what he is most excited to get from Santa tomorrow
The best part of being a flight attendant has to be when you walk the aisle saying “trash” to everyone’s face.
if I’m ever feeling lonely and I need someone to talk to me, I just announce to my spouse or kids that I’m about to take a nap
Son hunted 4 part of our family dinner 2night! With steady nerve & calm focus, he tracked down the hot dog buns for us at the grocery store.
I told my bf if he keeps forgetting to say “bless you” when I sneeze I’m going to just go ahead and let that old lady, nagging demon in.
He said “so what would be the difference?”
If anyone asks, you haven’t seen him in two weeks either.
Feels like there should be a middle ground