english majors be like furthermore
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Congratulations to the sweater, another year of being the most disgustingly named piece of clothing.
*rips finished page from adult coloring book*
*puts it on daughter’s toy kitchen fridge*
[at the cheesecake factory]
me: I will have the cheesecake
waiter: okay
I find it creepy when I am walking my dog and a passersby want to know if its a boy or girl. Why?? I’m not letting you have sex with my dog.
I like to cook for a man when I first start dating him.
That way he’ll be disappointed from the start.
Not just when he sees me naked.
#FunnyLife Insects
Back to school sale prices are so cheap. I’m getting all of my Christmas shopping done.
25 cent rulers for everyone!
Him: I want a million dollars
Genie: Like hell u do, 🤣🤣, here’s a years free subscription of NetflixMe: I want my kid to keep all his toys properly
Genie:
Genie: How about a million dollars instead
You know you’re getting old when you have to have a drink to motivate you to go out & have a drink.
Maybe I need to quit questioning my parenting and start questioning my children’s childing.
I got replaced as Romeo in the high school play because the girl playing Juliet kept stabbing herself in Act I.
A lady just walked into Taco Bell, dumped every hot sauce packet in her bag and left. I should follow her. What’s the rest of her day like?
Just as a wedding ring tells others you’re married,
the mysterious brown stain on my shirt and rogue booger in my hair says “I’m a mom”.
“When i bump into an old friend, but we can’t remember our names”
“Stuff that alligator in that dolphin” – God creating sharks
That awkward moment when you realize your wife’s funeral is turning into a sausage-fest.
Hi, you’ve reached my voicemail. Why are you doing this?
A spring loaded coffin can really put the fun back in funeral.
I’ve accidentally called someone on IG messenger before and my reaction was the same as if I had just been caught shoplifting.
Please checkout my YouTube channel and learn how to quickly remodel your kitchen in only three years.
My husband just said, “I have a game I think you’d be interested in that I bet you haven’t heard of…
It’s called Wordle”
GANG LEADER: Me and my boys, we run these streets
ME: That’s great fellas. Fitness is important.
*violence noises
[Therapy]
Dr. Pencil: Remind me again what draws you here today?
Piece of paper: I feel like I’m always getting lead on, it’s really left its mark on me.
Dr. Pencil: Oh, that’s write.
When you’re around too many morning people it’s like being in perkytory
I want to give away free lab coats on the streets and turn our city’s homeless problem into its crazy doctor problem
PISSED: teen gets fed up with teacher
“can i use the bathroom?”
“i don’t know, CAN you?”
*takes deep breath*
*pisses all over teachers desk*
two people had sex in the 80s and now I gotta pay bills, hydrate, and hate myself???
Starting another round of pottery classes. I may just be a beginner, but I’m feeling inspired. What should I make tonight?
a. A bowl
or
b. A bowl
Sure you may FEEL old, but did YOUR parents need a TV commercial to remind them you existed?
I’m just a girl, standing in front of a mirror, asking to be possessed by a poltergeist that loves to clean and fold laundry.