My husband has officially reached peak dad status.
Driving through Sequoia National Park and he turned the radio off so everyone could see.
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My half-brothers had a Hungarian dad and an Eskimo dad. My dad was from Wales. Our dinner table was like the U.N…only with slapping.
“You will be visited by three spirits. The first two will be a waste of your time but the third one, holy shit…”
Pinterest could’ve been an amazing dating site. If the project ideas came with men to do them, there wouldn’t be a single cat lady left.
I told the kids if they’re not good we’re flying United this summer.
My 5yo didn’t wanna get in the bath last night so I told her it was filled with birthday water and this was her only chance to experience it until her next bday and I’ve never seen her get in the bath faster. Now if you don’t mind, I’m gonna ride this parenting high for a bit.
I’m two types of woman. One who is extremely hard on herself & one who can’t stop giggling because she just said hard on.
You can count on your dog to be the first responder when anything or anyone drops to the floor.
Every day I ask Chatgpt if it knows where my keys are and If it ever knows the answer I’m suing everybody.
It’s almost summer and I’m only three stomach flus and a couple tapeworms away from my beach body!!!
I’m bringing microwave mashed potatoes to my works Thanksgiving lunch because I dont really like any of my coworkers enough to peel potatoes for them.
Roughly 60% of my childhood was spent trying to do the crane kick after watching Karate Kid.
I don’t have an inner child. I have an inner old person who wants everyone to shut up.
Me: Why is the dog staring at the floor?
Wife: I’m baking cookies and she’s waiting for one to drop so she can eat it.
Me: [also now staring at the floor]
*puts baby powder in a crib*
*adds water*
Them: Do you know what your problem is?
Me: Yes.
I spilt glue on my autobiography & then accidentally sat on it. Anyway, that’s my story & I’m sticking to it.
Took the batteries out of the smoke detector to use in my remote cause I would rather die in a fire than have to get up & change the channel
Homeschooling is going great. My son is on track to receive his Diploma in Video Games ahead of schedule.
Gorilla: so I’m 500 pounds.
God: yes.
Gorilla: I have no natural predators.
God: yes.
Gorilla: I literally live here.
God: yes.
Gorilla: and I’m not the King of the Jungle?
God: exactly.
Gorilla: who is?
God: it’s kind of hard to explain-
Lion: did you tell him yet?
You look like the kind of girl who would break my heart.
I have a boyfriend.
See, you’re done it already.
Me: *gesturing at the kids* We should start thinking about protection
Wife: They’re too young to be talking about birth control
M: I was thinking more along the lines of an exorcism
Dads love saying, “I can see 3 eggs from where I’m standing that you haven’t found yet.”
awkward
9yo is yelling at 13yo for eating most of the Froot Loops and 13yo is yelling at 9yo for finishing the box and I’m hiding in the breakfast room eating a bowl of Fruity Pebbles and hoping they don’t notice me because I don’t want to share.
[Speed date]
Me: How many taco trucks are in close proximity to your house?
Him: I uh… I don’t…
Me: NEXT
Me: I named you kids after my favorite Pearl Jam songs
Jeremy: That’s really cool dad
Elderly Woman Behind the Counter in a Small Town: It’s not, actually
[FIRST DATE]
HER: I love babies.
ME *to waiter*: She’ll have the veal.
Please don’t call it man flu. Its correct name is manchester flunited.
“I gave that guys wife a pearl necklace”
-Oysters