How to be a politician 101:
Answer all yes/no questions with the words “Well, look” and then answer a completely different question.
You Might Also Like
If you love someone, let them tweet.
HIM: promise you won’t tell anyone?
ME: yeah! [under my breath] except my best friend
HIM: what?
ME: nothing! [whispering] there is a hierarchy of loyalty and your position on that hierarchy is low
HIM: what did you say?
ME: that ur secret’s safe with me 🙂
Wife: HAHAHAHAHA
Me: HAHAHAHAHA
[we put our clothes back on]
Dogs look like they’ve received some really sad news when they watch you eat.
If a tarantula lived in a flower pot it would be a hairy potter
If Violets were Orange, poetry would be a lot more challenging.
I’ve got this great joke where I kidnap people’s sticker families and leave little post-it ransom notes. Adorable or horrifying? You decide
mcdonalds’s with a small walmart inside
due to circumstances outside of my control I ended up at an Applebees and let me say it is absolutely phenomenal to have gen z in the work force. the waitress held up a plate, wrinkled her nose, and went “I wanna say these are…ribs?”
While I usually love my son’s sense of humour, pretending to not know us as we went through airport security was not one of those times
Kill it with fire!
*douses it in hot sauce*
Me scrolling Twitter: ok that’s enough
My brain: what if the next tweet is The One
My kid started doing this annoying preteen whiny voice and now I can turn my head all the way around like the exorcist.
Officer, this ticket says 1:59 am, but thanks to daylight savings, it’s now 1:00. So slow down, TimeCop, I haven’t committed the crime yet.
Thinking about Jeff
Imagine meeting the man of your dreams…
and he says, “prolly.”
I have been calling a guy on our street John since he and his wife moved here about five years ago.
His name is Dave.
Did you hear about the two thieves who stole a calendar?
They each got six months.
I love how NASA can send a radio signal billions of light years away but my wifi is as sketchy as a tinder date.
My knight in shining armor comes in liquid form.
god: men, do u want pockets?
men: sure
god: u got it dude!
men: thank u!!! ❤️
god: women, do u want pockets?
women: yes!
god: lmao no
women: ????
god: kangaroos, do u want pockets?
kangaroos: yes pls
god: ok done
kangaroos: [already putting their kids in there]
[interview]
“Any special talents?”
I can unlock any fingerprint reader
“By hacking?”
[flashes back to hacking off victims’ fingers] Yes
What if all your muscles can taste but your tongue is the only one you usually put food on
Swim up bars combine my two favorite things. Drinking and peeing in hotel pools.
*getting murdered* omg stop you can get in a lot of trouble for this.
*jumps on a haystack
*lands on a needle
English husband: How’s it going in America
Me: People are shooting at the weather
Worst Native American name ever.
Me driving at night:
I hope this is the road!