Pretty disappointed to find out that “Toys for Tots” isn’t a program where I trade my kids’s toys for delicious tater tots.
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Me [all day]: tired
Me [1 AM & can’t sleep]: why is a baby ocelot called a kitten & not an ocelittle?
Kids, because why would you want to sleep on more than 6 inches of your king size bed?
If you get into a fight with a polar bear, boost your chances of success by requesting a postponement until 2065. There’s a good chance polar bears will be extinct by then so you’ll win by default for just turning up
DoorDash is great if you like having a sandwich and also 13 emails
Why do they ask your job on gameshows? It’s the least interesting thing about you. Ask people their favourite dinosaur.
My daughter likes to give me her failed artwork, claiming it was made with all her love just for me. Then she grabs a new piece of paper to make her drawing better and keeps that for herself. Well played, little one. Well played.
“Are you religious?”
Bro I don’t even believe in myself
I am waiting for the day we have a national scandal involving a gate
RIP Rose, you would’ve loved Let It Go
“Blood, Sugar, Sex, Magik” is a classic Red Hot Chili Peppers album, and also Criss Angel’s shopping list.
me: omg why are you so obsessed with me
cop: because you ran over 4 people back there
Son: Dad, can we have the talk on how babies are made?
Me: Haha no way! I do not want to know!
Boss: What are you doing here on a Saturday??
Me (eating leftovers from fridge): …reports.
PARTNER: i think we should see other people
ME: look if you want to break up fine but for the love of god don’t make me see other people
that picture of all the construction workers sitting on a steel beam eating lunch except its me & the boys sitting on the floor at game stop
Smile Twitter, Smile.
I baked cookies in an EZ Bake oven when I was eleven and now they’re ready.
[animal meeting at the zoo]
Lion: you’re late. We said meet at sunset
Giraffe: I can still see the sun you fucken midget
Don’t you even dare to come near! You won’t like it if I’m forced to release my emotional support bag of onions
(First date)
Her: I like men who take charge.
Me: *trying to impress her* *shoves finger into electric socket*
Meets girl at bar.
Takes her to Ikea.Quickly learns the difference between one-night stand and one nightstand.
Na Fa Fo Na Na Fo Fo -Sassy black girl giving me her digits.
Woke up at 6 & went for a jog before hitting the gym for an hour. Now I’m back home, making up a bunch of absolute bullshit about my morning
I like it when it’s raining, because I can hold my umbrella really low and it makes everyone headless.
“I Wish I Had Her Skin!”
– Teenage Girls & Serial Killers
Son: When did u know you were old?
Me: When I started saying ‘congratulations’ to friends who said they were pregnant instead of ‘oh shit.’
I took my dog to have his anxiety checked out and the veterinarian examined him and told me he’s a very good boy, and then she prescribed two margaritas for me
I’ve just renamed my WiFi network to “Police Surveillance Van #02”.
That should keep my pikey neighbours on their toes for a while.
How bout you make like fabric softener and bounce.
Our friend in New Zealand wished my 8yo a happy birthday the night before her birthday. I tried explaining time zones to her but all she heard is Liz is from the future.