Sorry, but that was only my favorite food in the world BEFORE you bought 5 cases of it at Costco.
-Kids
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Teach your children to beatbox
Instead of calling him a paleontologist, I used to call Ross from Friends a fossil fool lol I was such a hoot in the 90s.
Just gonna eat a cookie and reflect on this
Keeping this house spotless is tough, but trying to look busy for the three hours that the maid is here isn’t exactly a walk in the park either.
Me: *scrunches my face*
13: Your forehead looks like one of those people from Star Trek.
Me: *gasps* HOW DARE YOU!… you know we’re a Star Wars family.
I wish Adele would hurry up and put out another album so I could end this relationship.
[Outside liquor store]
Underage kid: Hey mister, can you buy me some beer?
Me: Sure, if you show me how stories on Instagram work I’ll buy you black tar heroin.
[me being lowered into my grave]
the grave:
please input the SMS code we texted so we can make sure it’s you
My house fluctuates between smelling like a freshly baked cake or a tropical island vacation because aromatherapy provides what I cannot.
*waking up from a nightmare* okay no this is worse
Cats don’t tell police where your drugs are.
Vin Diesel’s full name is Vintage Dieselengine.
One two three whole cakes devoured, and suddenly nobody believes you’re on a diet
Southerners don’t use contractions like “y’all” and “young’n” out of laziness. Most of us are just too poor to afford entire words.
*Aquarium
GUIDE: Octopuses are sensitive to camera flash so please turn off…ma’am don’t flash the octopus
ME: [pulls shirt back down] ok
Mr. Webb, what is the greatest threat to national security?
“The dinosaurs in Jurassic World, they always seem to get out”
Hey! This isn’t my car!
I put my toddler in white shorts and took her outside to play like some kind of masochist
When my daughter is alarmed she says what the fridge! And I’m cool with it.
Sometimes I buy enormous pants and take a picture of myself holding them up just to feel like I lost a ton of weight.
At my age, a new driver’s license doesn’t have an Expires On date. It has a Renew If You Haven’t Expired On date.
Sex is great and all but finish your damn Kale!!
When people post about their 5 year olds, they’re talking about wine right?
4: Mummy, I know how old you are.
Me: OK.
4: Has it got an 8 in it?
Me: Yes! Well done.
4: Is it 8 and then 0?
Me: No, darling, it just feels like it.
Friend: I haven’t had sex in years!
Me: meh, join the club
Friend: I haven’t had coffee in 5 days!
Me: DEAR GOD!!!
People I live with are hiding my shit. The two most effective hiding places to date:
1) out in the open
2) where I last left it
Day 27 without sports:
Hesitated for an inappropriately long moment before intervening in my kid’s living room brawl.
The wife & I fought last night. Saying things that can’t be taken back. Like perishable goods. Baby food. DVDs with broken seals. Underwear.
My kid found a sick eagle and asked me to help it
Son: have you done this before or you just going to….WING IT?!?
Me: no…dummy. I can’t lawfully touch him it’s….ill-eagle
Maybe Jesus doesn’t want lettuce to adore Him.