Cop: how long will it take you to hack into the kidnapper’s computer?
Me: idk, two, three hours?
Cop: you have fifteen minutes
Me: then the kid’s gonna die dude
Cop:
Me: I mean you really should have called me sooner
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“Who am I?” she beckoned the stars.
Stars: We’ve gone over this a million times. You are a geisha caveman.
So apparently going to the medicine store’s manager with a pack of condoms asking them where the changing rooms are will get you banned from the medicine store.
If you remove all the segments where they tell you what’s coming up, Dateline is actually only 13 minutes long.
Throw it against the wall and see if it sticks: good advice for cooks, great advice for Spiderman’s taxidermist.
Got Christmas card glitter all over me and now I can’t stop stripping.
Can’t, need to go and at least see this gym that I am member of.
Halfway to the pizza store my kid announces that she isn’t wearing any shoes. The eventual transition out of isolation may be harder than expected.
Me: Ok, who got Oreo filling on the couch?
Husband:
4:
7:
Me: Well…
7: It really could have been any of us.
4: (licks couch)
boss: david, you’re fired
me: *just got a haircut* is that alllllll you have to say to me 🙂
I wanna go out
I wanna come in
I wanna go out
I wanna come in
I wanna go out
I wanna come in-My dog, all day long.
The dog ate my kid’s snack and now he’s saying “get it back” like I’m Hermione Granger or something
ME: hey did u get my letter?
HER: No
ME: weird, my carrier penguin should’ve made it by now
HER: You mean carrier pigeon?
ME: lol what
[date gets back from the bathroom]
those batman toys in the tub are so cute! How old are your kids?
“kids?”
Spielberg missed a great opportunity when he didn’t put FIN at the end of Jaws.
When I want to trim down my friend’s list on FB I give my opinion and let nature do the rest.
I told a guy on MySpace 16 years ago I would brb. I. Never. Brb’d.
every morning i swallow a piece of paper that says “keep up the good work fellas!!” just in case i die and doctors gotta do an autopsy on me
8 year old me: bye dad gonna go meet melissa and throw lawn darts at each other
dad: WAIT
me:
dad: don’t forget to take a jacket
Wait a minute—if the cat’s in the cradle, then where—
*baby in kitchen, pushing glasses off table while maintaining eye contact
#dalle2
Them: “when are you back?” You: “next week.” (Week passes) You: “I’m back, let’s hang.” Them: “how long are you here?”
Men are almost twice as likely to tell pollsters that they have a plan for the zombie apocalypse than women. Often before the pollsters even ask.
Growing up I didn’t think the expensive addiction that would ruin me would be Heinz ketchup but here we are
how did ur grandpa get dementia and forget EVERYTHING except the racism
Mother in law: why do you grow so much sage? You don’t even cook with it.
Me: I burn it when you leave.
Kids, stay in school and get a good degree so you can spend 40% of your life on conference calls
Me: [auditioning for the new Thor movie] Mjolnir, mjolfar, wherever you mjolare
I believe that mjolheart does go onMarvel Exec: Get out.
I’m like Helen of Troy. Not in the sense of being breathtakingly beautiful, but in the sense of pissing people off and starting wars
Two words from the historical lexicon:
boondoggle: an entirely unnecessary or futile undertaking.
hornswoggle: to bamboozle or deceive.
A hornswoggling boondoggle has a nice ring to it.