This morning I brushed my hair with an American Girl doll brush because, apparently, she is the only one in my house who puts things back where they belong.
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[4:30 AM]
Wife: I thought I told you to rock the baby to sleep
Me: *turning down Enter Sandman* What does it look like I’m doing, Karen
A couple drops of super glue on your fingers and you wont pay attention to any other thing on the planet for three hours.
Finally!
my kid: cries cause youtube went down and he can’t watch gamer vids
me: chill out omg. The internet isn’t life.
Also me: TWITTER WTF IS THIS RETWEET QUOTE CRAP?!! I CANT LIVE LIKE THIS.
It was the best of times, it was the worst of times, it was the even worster of times, it was the most worster-est ever of times.
Stop giving me dirty looks, lady. I wasn鈥檛 flirting with your husband. I was looking at his nachos.
Priest: Do you take this woman do be your lawful wedded wife?
Yoda: Do I
Priest: That’s what I’m asking
Yoda: *long sigh*
What idiot called it ‘Asparagus grown in Northern France’ and not ‘Brittany Spears’.
I’ve been walking on eggshells at work lately. My employer claims it’s cheaper than installing new carpeting.
Hate to brag, but a cute fireman gave me his number today. It’s only 3 digits & he said it’s only for emergencies, but I know what he meant
GUY: Do you want to play fantasy baseball?
ME: Okay, I’m a pitcher with gills
*quietly tries to open a bag of chips while son walks around looking for his bag of chips*
Interviewer: Give me an example of something you took with you from your last job
Me: Toilet paper
If my dog doesn’t like you, then I don’t like you. Unless you’re hot, then the dog can go in the crate for a couple hours.
the early bird gets the worm & so does this dance floor of unsuspecting wedding reception guests when my jam comes on
I HAVE DECIDED TO MAKE A CONSCIOUS DECISION NOT TO HAVE MY MIND “BLOWN” ANYMORE. IF DINOSAURS COME BACK & I SEE ONE I’LL JUST BE LIKE “GOOD”
馃憖
We squint at the sun because it’s bright.
We squint at people because they are not.
Parents will complain about their kids wanting to read the same book every night and then go watch the office for the bajillionth time.
5: Grandma told me a secret.
Me: Grandma knows you aren鈥檛 supposed to keep secrets from Mommy.
5: Ok, I鈥檒l tell you. She said you make the worst food ever.
Me: I have a few secrets to tell you about Grandma.
Cop: your under arrest
Me: you’re* under arrest
2nd Cop: [handcuffing 1st cop] sorry Ed, but he’s right
When I’m at a restaurant and see ‘secret sauce’ on the menu, I immediately tell the people at the table next to me
Link: [plays ‘Song of Time’]
Zelda: No no that’s all wrong! There’s no E in that melody.
Link: [plays ‘Song of Tim’]
wife: Feeling better?
me: Yeah
wife: Kind of overreacted to a cold didn’t you?
[flashback to me calling the Make-A-Wish Foundation]
me: No
i meant to share this earlier
HER: i’m leaving u
ME: is it bc of my irrational paranoia
HER: yes
ME: did the dog put you up to this
I should probably wait a few days to drive my new F35 to work, huh
Friend: I like your blush
Me: Thanks, it鈥檚 called Panic Attack