Why is Christopher Nolan a genius? Because even if his movie flops it won’t come up when you search “Oppenheimer bomb”.
You Might Also Like
me: what kind of plane do you fly?
pilot: private.
me: it’s ok i won’t tell anyone.
When I sprayed my foot with tinactin my 6yo asked what it was for and I told him athletes foot then he said “but daddy you’re not an athlete” and I am so sad that he’ll never understand how sick the burn was that he delivered.
Language is cool because it’s just a bunch of sounds, but put them in the right order & you can make someone cry or you can order tacos.
I baked cookies in an EZ Bake oven when I was eleven and now they’re ready.
Wife: You’ve been a naughty boy…
Me: Yes I have!
Wife: *Removes mask to reveal she is actually Santa*
Me: NOOOOOOOOOOO
I no longer dislike Mondays, i’m mature now… I dislike the whole week.
got banned from Trader Joe’s for my controversial political opinions (or because I keep taking cheese into the bathroom)
DATING PROFILE: I’m looking for a partner in crime
FIRST DATE: Okay, I need you to kill the mayor
Nice of ads to thank me for watching as if I wasn’t a hostage
I find that if I wear my snorkel gear when I go check the mail, the neighbors are far less chatty.
Me: *In kitchen loudly eating carrots.
Dog: *Asleep in bedroom
Me: *In pantry, munching on Oreos.
Dog: *Loudly snoring in bedroom
Me: *Opens fridge, looks at steak.
Dog: *Already sitting expectantly next to me.
PRIEST: If there’s any reasons these two should not be wed, speak now or forever hold your peace.
ME: *quietly tries to open a bag of chips*
Jaws (1975): people started hating a shark for doing normal shark things
I ate a kid’s meal today at McDonald’s.
His mom got really mad.
The climate is probably out here trying to change for some man. Just be yourself, girl.
*Panda walks into shop, “A packet of nuts please.”
Assistant: “pandas don’t eat nuts.”
-“dammit” panda suit opens and 36 squirrels run off.
Being with you is like listening to golf on the radio.
Bookshop in Fowey, Cornwall.
Dr: You’ve gained some weight
Me: You said I should take it easy
Dr: That was a yr ago & you were sick
Me: WELL I’M NOT A MIND READER
Date: Want to go back to my place and get naughty?
Me: Nice try, Santa.
Crashed my car reading a billboard that said “don’t text and drive”
“I Still Haven’t Found What I’m Looking For” is my favourite song about opening and closing the fridge 150 times a day
Son: What IS it?
Daughter: Dunno. Maybe a possum?
S: Should it be that color?
D: Try poking it.
Me: I’M NEVER COOKING FOR YOU GUYS AGAIN.
awesome draft from months ago i just found
Fire at the cannabis dispensary. Witnesses described it as super chill.
Day 8 at home and my dog is looking at me like, “See? This is why I chew the furniture.”
I like to throw a fake punch at a hooker’s crotch. If she flinches, I know it’s a dude.
It’ll make a big mess and practically break their teeth but they’ll keep eating it anyway
-inventor of the Biscotti
You can tell a lot about a person by how early their neighbors call the cops on Thanksgiving.
I finally understand what the cat wants when he wakes me up at 4 am