my doctor refuses to fight me and i think it’s cause he saw how i barely cried during my flu shot
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My dad could kick ur dads ass!
Um have u seen my dad
Hes a big guy huh?
No really have u seen him? He left when I was 9 & never came back
This year for Halloween I’m putting my kids in a giant bowl on the front step with a sign that says Please Take One.
Brit friend: Ugh. Brexit is a disaster. How are things over there?
Me: We”re in a ketchup war with Canada.
When I was a teen, my parents talked to me about safe sex. I’m having the same talk with them about the Reply All button.
SHUT UP. BEES CAN’T SPELL.
After sex, I take the condom off and make a balloon animal for the lady.
The person in that bathroom stall would not survive ‘A Quiet Place’
If I’ve learned any thing from dogs and cats, it’s that you can rub your head on people when you want attention.
My 6yo fell over today because he was distracted by watching some construction work happening across the street and I didn’t even see how he fell because I was distracted by watching some construction work happening across the street
would’ve started saving money in kindergarten if I knew life was gone be like this
Buy her a new cauldron. Keep her broom in good repair. Maintain a robust collection of eye of newt.
Witches love that.
I just like to keep my options open
-me, setting six alarms on my phone
I need a house elf. No weirdos tho.
So many conspiracy theory tweets on my timeline right now about Kate Middleton, when the actual answer is staring us all right in the face: she abandoned her family to do an intensive, residential Photoshop course, and pretended to be having surgery to cover it up.
WHY?!
ME: i have a cold
WIFE: for the last time it’s called an ice cube
The fact that ‘head and shoulders’ doesn’t have a body wash called knees and toes is as much as a disappointment to me, as I am in myself, for writing this Tweet.
*hates you so much replaces everything and everyone you love with a cat*
even if you already have a cat,
*replaces it with a worse cat*
When the @funTweeters account RTs my tweet.
My villain power is instantly answering insults with vicious burns like:
“I’m going to throw something at you that will stick in your face forever”
“Make like Job and suffer endlessly” &
“Nice shoes. Did you make ’em?”
I̶t̶’̶s̶ ̶t̶o̶o̶ ̶e̶a̶r̶l̶y̶ ̶t̶o̶ start drinking
i just want world peace. and pop tarts to be fully frosted.
She danced her way into his heart.
-She was doing the robot tho, so she looked like an idiot.
I don’t understand people who punch walls. “I’m so mad, I want to spend all day tomorrow plastering over the hole I’m about to make.”
toddler: How do you spell “Elmo”?
me: “E”
toddler: “E” like “elephant”
me: Very good! “L”
toddler: “L” like “elephant”
me:
toddler:
me: “M”
toddler: “M” like “elephant”
me: Shit
toddler: “Shit” like “elephant”
her: i hate when people overanalyze everything in movies
me: [slowly concealing my notebook filled with inconsistencies and plot holes in the toy story saga] lol yeah me too
[standing fully clothed in the shower pretending to cry]
me: *opening the shower curtain* yeah this will work
real estate lady: ill draw up the contract
“A mean dog is terrorizing people a few towns over. I am going to drive over there & yell at him from my car.” – Barack Obama