Garlic and bread is the only marriage I truly have faith in.
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Wanna freak people out? Lick your fingertips when you finish pumping gas.
[Day 1 of the Olympics]
Me: I really liked that twisty turny thing he did[Day 10 of the Olympics]
Me: his quad toe loop was a bit under roatated don’t you think Johnny?
Johnny Weir: you’re not allowed in here
God: welcome to heaven!
Me: but i didn’t believe in you.
God: yeah i get that a lot.
Me: so… we’re all good then?
God: lmao no I just wanted to do this *reaches for lever*
[Watching “Aliens,” sees the first alien]
Me: I bet at least one more alien shows up
My therapist says my little dragon friend isn’t real. But, my little dragon friend says my therapist isn’t real, and I’ve known her longer.
Now marriage can be between any two people who are misguided enough to start a life together in New Jersey.
Day 4: They suspect nothing.
📸:
I 100% believe Aliens live in the Bermuda Triangle. It’s like fishing for them.
Shouting “shotgun” will get you the good seat but not when you’re boarding a plane.
I used to quickly lick the tip of my pencil when writing my poignant thoughts but now I have to eat three or four pencils just to make a grocery list
Young Cat: so the trick is to meow loudly whenever I want something
Older Cat: (smoking cigarette and gazing off into the sunrise) kid, the trick is to meow loudly for no reason at all
Me: *lights gorgeous smelling candle*
Him: *puts bacon in the oven*
Me: You win
“I’d like to raise a toast.”
*Levitates bread*
McDonald’s Drive thru: Sorry Drive Thru is closed. You can come inside if you want.
Me: Um
McDonald’s: We’re having some technical difficulties and are overwhelmed right now and decided to shut it down.And that’s how I learned about the importance of self care from McDonald’s.
this is the most cat thing ive ever seen
“Je t’aime” = “I love you”
“Je t’anime” = “I love anime”
wife: You’re going to work like that?
me: Yeah, it’s casual day
[20 minutes later]
me *calls wife* Can you bring me some pants?
Bird: Good morning! How are you?
Me: Oh my God! You can talk!
Bird *tapping his Bluetooth ear piece*: I missed what you said, some jackass is shouting at me.
Google just alerted me to light traffic in my area which is odd because I’m in the bathtub.
Mercury is in retrograde for 20 more days. Don’t sign any contracts. Have sex with whoever you want to.
The best thing about owning a Smart Car is if you get too drunk at the bar you can just carry it home.
My 8yo daughter met a girl at summer camp last year named “Internet.” I said no way, that can’t be her name but my daughter has been adamant. For almost a year we’ve been having this discussion.
ANTOINETTE. I just found out her name is Antoinette.
hi welcome to my podcast “consciousness was a mistake” today we’re gonna take a nap together to demonstrate that being aware of reality is bad
The only thing worse than thinking of what to make for dinner is then having to cook it.
White Walkers need coffee too #WinterIsHere
me: [eating tapeworms] I’m just getting hungrier
Closed pistachios are further proof there is no god.
There’s a fire burning in my heart, no wait, it’s acid reflux, carry on.
The worst part of a 30-minute workout is the final 29 minutes.