My doctor told me if I was 5″ taller I’d be at the ideal weight, so I’m going to try and give that a shot.
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Wild horses could easily drag me away.
Probably a good sized dog or motivated cat could do the trick.
A big bunch of gerbils, maybe.
Waiter: entrée?
Me: I don’t mind what you bring it on
At dinner last night two women asked to take my husband’s picture. I said, “Why? Who do you think he is?” And they said, “Aren’t you Gabe from Top Chef?” and my husband said, “Bon Appetit!” and smiled for the picture.
This man can’t even make scrambled eggs.
Men are almost twice as likely to tell pollsters that they have a plan for the zombie apocalypse than women. Often before the pollsters even ask.
alien: TAKE ME TO YOUR LEADER
me: [watching state of the union]
alien: oh crap
wait whoa when did the bermuda triangle stop eating boats
Whenever my wiener dog misbehaves I glare at her threateningly while eating sausages
The hardest part of making new friends is weeding out the people who just want to sell you leggings.
God: [creating Guy Fieri] “Hand me a head.”
Angel: We’re out of human heads.
God: “Hand me a pineapple.”
Her: I want to fulfill your deepest desire.
Me: *gives her recipe for my mom’s peach cobbler* The crust is the most important part.
Growing up, our family had this really lovely old German Shepherd, I’ll never forget being in floods of tears the day that mum and dad had to sit us down and tell us that he was being tried for war crimes.
3 fought tooth and nail over not putting on pants under a dress this morning. I explained it was weather appropriate.
3: How about I put them on now and take them off at school?
She’s going to crush high school.
A cop pulled me over because he thought I was talking on a cell phone but really I was just rubbing a slice of pizza on the side of my face
I used to think alcohol silenced the voices in my head until I realised it had just moved them to my mouth.
Me when I see someone that knows me in public..
An HGTV show where they help new college graduates decorate their apartment with furniture found exclusively on the side of the road
Wizard of Oz (1939) A hapless brain injured teen is led down the wrong path to heroin, cosplay, organ harvesting and ultimately homicide
hey teens the only thing jack reacher should be “reach”ing for is a better relationship with jesus christ our lord & savior !!!
Anyone can be a hero:
Make a child smile
Rescue a kitten from a tree
Reverse Earth’s rotation to prevent an earthquake from killing your girlfriend
Anyone else notice the world starting to get worse after Iron Man died?
[alternate world with no bees]
SCIENTIST: all the flowers are dying
ME: *takes a ite of a uritto* wow that’s a ummer
10 wants everyone to know i’m a horrible parent who never lets him have a friend spend the night tonight. even though he and his friend have spent the night at each others houses back and forth since Monday. kbye
Do I want to join the Illuminati, bot?
I AM the Illuminati.
Her: I’m hungry. If you loved me you’d give me breakfast in bed 😉
Me: *hands her my emergency poptart from my pillowcase* only because ily
When there’s food around, our cat is like an adorable, fluffy shark circling round.
On the 5th day, god was hungover & didn’t feel up to much so he created worms, shoelaces & spaghetti, then punched out just after 1pm.
Did you know?
Baby kangaroos are called joeys because they are the enforcers for the Marsupial Mafia.
Personal question. #JustSaying
Got bucked off my high horse. Now I only have contusions of grandeur.
Protip: Never ask an accountant “What have I got to lose?”