Boss: You wrote one of your strengths is invisibility and that seems–what are you doing?!
Me (giving him the finger): Wait–you can see me?
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Someone found my missing homemade scarf, but they’ll only let me have it back if I pass a pattern- knitty test.
Does anyone else’s wife quiz them about the movie they’re watching with them as if you wrote and produced it yourself? I don’t know why he didn’t just call a taxi, Linda, I’ve got the same information you have.
I tried to make a smoothie for lunch. Apparently, three frozen pizzas will break a juicer.
[game night]
date: do you have siblings?me: *flips table*
date: so you’re the youngest
Chef: And then you just cover it with gravy and cheese
Me: Don’t stop, you’re poutine me in the mood
Physicist: *pounds fist* None of our models predicted this!
Cindy Crawford: What did you expect? My major was Chemical Engineering.
My human just got off the phone and said to me, “You won’t be a happy kitty tomorrow.”
I’m suddenly having trust issues.
Dr: What seems to be the problem?
Me: It’s my hearing, Doctor.
Dr: Can you describe the symptoms?
Me: Mmm, well, there’s Homer, Bart….
Her: Was your child gifted?
Me: No, we had him naturally
*gingerly maneuvers the garbage can back into place between a stack of crown molding we’ll never use and your antique pesticide collection*
My plane has an entire high school wrestling team on it, so I imagine we’ll crash in a forest & I’ll become their King.
Him: Are u free later?
Me: No I’m expensive all the time
Immediately after walking into a store with your spouse, stop, block the entrance, and discuss why you both came. It’s all good. I’ll wait.
When I get a little tipsy I like to go to a random neighbourhood, knock on the door and say, “Sarah Connor?”.
Instruments were designed to be actually played, not “air played,” Kirk.
A flock of dads is called a grill.
I’m evidently not allowed to call our impatient billionaire customer “Captain Busypants”
Find yourself someone who looks at you the way I look at the block button.
HIPSTER COP: *into radio* “We’ve got a 13-88 in progress…it’s a pretty rare crime, you probably wouldn’t know it”
I rank my kids by how many chores they do and how much they complain.
My favorite child is the Roomba.
Interviewer: Can you perform under pressure?
Me: Pretty much but I have to fake some of the David Bowie parts because I’m not sure the words
My son just showed me something he made and asked “Do you like it, or do you love it?” and those are the only options I’m giving people from now on
wife: my husband thinks he’s a ghost
marriage counselor: what. where is he
wife: he’s probably trying to come in…
[sound of someone running straight into the door]
My day planner
1. Wake up
2. Eat
3. Wait to eat
4. Eat
5. Wait to eat
6. Eat
7. Wait to sleep
8. Sleep
A vulture floats lazily overhead. Here come a few of his friends. Oh, and a few more. Look, now they’re circling.
Maybe I should move.
YOGI BEAR: Hahaha, I just stole their pic-a-nic baskets!
RANGER SMITH: You murdered 7 campers.
YOGI BEAR: *Exasperatedly* …To get their pic-a-nic baskets.
POV: you compliment me and I don’t know how to act.
Every morning on my way to work, I slip on the frozen newspaper on our front porch.
I’ve fallen on some hard Times.
I believe in you. I also believe in dragons, so don’t get too excited.
My GPS just made a mistake and the voice said “sorry about that” and then it switched to a different persons voice for the rest of the trip??? Did…the robot…get fired??