Obama says he supports gay marriage because his views have “evolved.” Republicans unsure which half of the sentence to get more angry about.
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What happens when you retweet a compliment about how humble you are?
So I went to the store and bought 5 oranges, but somehow I lost 2 on the way home. Then when I got home I found I had 3 oranges behind the coffee machine — and now I’m officially the guy from the math problem you hated.
It’s funny when you tell someone that you don’t like people, they always think you mean other people.
Not everyone in my family follows Apple news, my sister included
People think dads are dumb for getting to the airport 5 hours early but it’s only because we saved up several thousand dollars for a couple of beers before the flight. Who’s the dumb one now?
Can’t believe New Zealand are introducing a new flag just as I finished memorising the old one.
[job interview]
“Under skill it says nicknames?”
“You know it Sex Dragon.”
“Sex Dragon wants to know when you can start?”
Until I had kids I didn’t realize that “bouncing off the walls” was actually a literal statement.
Therapist: and what do we say when your coworkers start to annoy you?
Me: if I see you outside I’m going to run you over.
Therapist: what? No.
SON: How are monster trucks made?
ME: Son, when a monster and a truck love each oth-
GF: [glares]
ME: He’s old enough for the facts, Jane
[Therapist appt.]
Hub: She doesn’t have her priorities straight.
*Me on FaceTime with a petting zoo in the background* “That’s not true”
My mom has been having trouble with her joints – it’s hard to roll them with the arthritis
A polite way to signal to your guests that it’s time to leave is to start the dishwasher, turn off all the lights, and go brush your teeth.
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academia has you beefing with someone 3k miles away who is also one of only 4 people on earth who likes the same stuff as you
“I bring you news from the front, m’lord. Food bowls are empty, litter boxes are full, and the natives are getting restless.”
20 minutes: I have plenty of time
15 minutes: OH SHIT
Me: dance like no one’s watching!
Them: but not naked in the freezer aisle with a frozen turkey to ‘do they know it’s Christmas’!
I can’t afford a therapist so i bought a mood ring
Clark Kent: *sets glasses on kitchen table*
Lois Lane: Is that our table? I don’t recognize it.
1978 was all about running home when the street lights came on and dressing in the closet so my Shaun Cassidy posters didn’t see me naked…
Me *taking long drag on cigarette: “Kids, funerals aren’t really for the dead you know. They’re for the living”
*2 weeks later
[In church]
Priest: “We are gathered here today to…”Me *furiously banging on coffin lid: “This is not what I meant!“
Wife: It’s fine
*Miles away an old sea captain* My knee is a tingling. Aye a storm is headed this way
SHAKE WHAT YOUR MAMA GAVE YOU
*shakes buy one get one free coupon*
What do you call a man who does all the cooking, cleaning and washing without complaint?
Single.
Not to brag but my bank says I have an outstanding balance.
Me: *screaming along to death-metal*
My child, who I forgot was in the car:
People out there are trying to contact the dead and you’re telling me you can’t text back?
I put basketball in my Apple Watch Fitness and it asked me to update my will.
I often stand naked in front of a full-length mirror, studying myself to better come to terms with my imperfections. It’s not an easy thing to do though, and quite frankly I feel IKEA security could be a little more supportive.