me at 18: i have hundreds of friends i could ask to hang out with me tonight
me now: maybe the weird dude who spit on me on the train this morning would like to be the best man at my wedding
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I accidental typed sinroof instead of sunroof and I may have just invented the greatest thing ever.
No kid, you don’t have it hard. When I was a kid we had to eat without camera phones.
WARNING: Local youths in the park are asking passers-by to audition for the remake of Aquaman. DON’T DO IT. They filmed my audition and posted it on youtube under the title, “We tricked this guy to climb into the park fountain”. I AM 99% SURE THEY ARE NOT REAL HOLLYWOOD PRODUCERS
Nobody:
Dog: OMG HE LOOKED IN THE GENERAL DIRECTION OF MY LEASH WE’RE GOING FOR A WALK I’M READY C’MON LET’S GO NOW PUT YOUR SHOES ON NOW HERE LET ME HELP I HAVE YOUR SOCK OK LET’S GO WALK!!!
Me: spreads bacon grease on my toast
Also me: how did I gain weight this week?
I tell people I broke my neck playing sports but it was actually from flicking my ponytail to unleash ancient curses.
maybe i don’t ACTUALLY like bad boys im just really into alliteration
my dog: LEMME OUT
me: you gonna bark?
dog: I HEAR THINGS LEMME OUT
me: what things?
dog: OMG THE WIND LEMME OUT
me: you don’t need to bark at the wind
dog: YES I DO CAN’T YOU HEAR IT BLOWING OUT THERE AND MAYBE IT WANTS TO PLAY OR BLOW THE HOUSE DOWN OR OR OMG LEMME OUUUT
I drank the blood of a vampire. Tasted irony.
Mike Trout turns 26 today. If he keeps up this pace, he’ll be 30 in four years
realization:
the asteroid that ended the dinosaurs was technically the highest ratio of killing birds to one stone in earths history
Overthrowing governments actually sounds pretty coup
People are always telling me I look like Hagrid from Harry Potter. I’ve never seen the movies, but she must be a beautiful gal.
Some lady at Olive Garden died, so we’re rummaging through her stuff. Just like a real family.
WIFE: Shouldn’t you be at work?
ME: I took care of it.
BOSS: [to the cardboard cutout of Shaq with my face glued on it]
Nice work today.
“Daddy, why is it dark at night?”
It gives the ghosts and zombies a time to run around and collect little kids. Goodnight, hunny.
We got a dusting of snow here in Michigan. Or as people south of Ohio refer to it: “Death Blizzard 2017.”
i think i’m too much of a lesbian at this point. i was doing the crossword this morning and the clue was “Suck it!” and i had STRA_…my mind, uh, did not go to “straw”
My wife and kids are away so it’s just me in the house and I was just awoken at 1:45 a.m. by the Alexa in the other room saying, “Sorry, I didn’t catch that.”
Met a girl last night and went back to her place. I noticed in her wardrobe that she has a nurses outfit, maids outfit and a policewomans outfit, so I made my excuses and left.
If she can’t hold a job down she isn’t the girl for me.
It’s like my therapist always says, “Please, put on your pants.”
Human: what’s up with all the anal probes?
Alien: [shrugs] seems like most of your species keeps their head up there.
All of my best fantasies include a French maid. She cleans the house while I nap.
we’re gonna need another temp
when I was 12 or so my babysitter would always talk about this girl she used to babysit—how cool she was, how much she missed her—and it made me hate this girl out of pure childish jealously bc I wanted my babysitter to think *I* was cool. the other girl was Emma Stone however
I never set out to be the hottest woman in the nursing home yet here we are.
Please be more careful with your tacos. I just found them in my mouth.
7: there were 5 cupcakes when I left and now there are 3. Did you eat 2?!
Me: suddenly now you can do math