“Diarrhea” isn’t my official safe word but I guarantee you’ll stop whatever you’re doing if I scream it during sex.
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I turned out ok for someone essentially raised by Bugs Bunny.
Having an older dog means ten seconds after you drop a piece of food, you have to drop an even bigger piece of food so they can find it.
Dad: Can I administer my own anesthetic?
Surgeon: Go ahead – knock yourself out.
Crude oil is the worst kind of oil because it says offensive things while it pollutes the water and ruins our planet.
“When I was a child, I talked like a child, I thought like a child, I reasoned like a child. When I became a man, I did those things online”
No, I am not okay. Facebook just showed me something I posted 10 years ago.
GOOD LORD WHAT HAPPENED IN HERE oh wait it’s just the tile pattern
DIET TIP: You are what you eat. Do you really want to be celery? C’mon. Not even celery wants to be celery.
Me: how old is your daughter?
Person: she’s 31 months
Me: ok but like how old in minutes?
Blowing your load on a girl counts as a baby shower right ?
My dog loves to catch frisbees but she always loses them. My wife said she wondered where they go and I joked that coyotes are playing with them.
This morning we looked out to see a coyote on the edge of the woods, playing with one of the frisbees.
“What do you mean there’s not a secret passageway?”
“Sir, this is a library.”
*whispers* “What do you mean there’s not a secret passageway?”
“…so when the plane crashed, we had to do the unthinkable to survive.”
“Eat human corpses?”
[flashback to eating quinoa]
“Y…yes.”
I wish the vaccine made ME magnetic. I can never find my keys.
No one in my entire life has believed in me more than the waiter who just gave me a single napkin to use while eating my lunch
Only a fool would use the toothbrush the dentist gives you. You think the dentist would freely hand you the tools that would keep them away?
There are poor, helpless kids in Africa who really need our help. But there’s also kids with machine guns so I’m not going.
How many minutes after someone’s fired is it cool to take their stapler?
To ‘There’s a Hole in the Bucket’
I can’t access my network
Dear IT, Dear IT
I can’t access my network
Dear IT, accessThen check your email
Dear cheeky, dear cheeky
Then check your email
Dear cheeky, check itI can’t access my network
Dear IT, dear IT
(repeat endlessly)
the simulation is moving too fast
I told someone my name and they said, “That’s unusual. You don’t hear that every day.”
Actually, I do.
reporter: “what inspired your theory of gravity”
isaac newton: “i fell off the toil-”
agent: [leans into mic] “an apple hit him on the head”
if you’re literally asking me to choose between our relationship and my career as a reporter well then I’ve got some news for you
Another couple invited my husband and me to do a triathlon and it’s way worse than we thought. Apparently “doing a triathlon together” is code for “doing a triathlon together.”
The neighbor is having an open home
How long should I stand at my front door naked yelling at birds?
If there’s a line between right and wrong, I likely snorted it.
I found the perfect sign for my ‘horse haters’ club
Yelling at my cat to stop hissing at my other cat, for god’s sake, Milo, we’ve got a pandemic on
me: that guy is half drunk
Dracula: I was full. I couldn’t finish drinking him
“Get your cup off the table” has a whole other meaning when your a baseball mom.