Auto mechanic: Well here’s your problem. The last person to work on this didn’t wash their hands after using the restroom.
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My pharmacists won’t return my calls anymore *snotty cries* something about no more refills. Quick someone sneeze on me! I’m lonely.
A newborn giant panda is about the size of a stick of butter.
And just as delicious.
You can imagine my embarrassment when I was escorted out of the herpetologists office by police because he isn’t an std doctor
Thinking about the time I told my husband, “I kinda wanna domesticate a raccoon” and he sincerely sighed and said, “I know, I worry about that”
God: you’re a dog.
Dog: nice!
God: the humans are gonna love you.
Dog: why?
God: well you have a lot in common.
Dog: really? do they have updog too?
God: what’s updog?
Dog: nothing what’s up with you lol.
God: yep you’re just like them.
Dog: [tail wag].
Guy in front of me at McDonald’s: I’ll take two of everything
Me: IS THERE A FLOOD
I DON’T KNOW ABOUT?
My Christmas letter this year includes a bonus DVD of my colonoscopy.
Idea for a ghost hunting show: have calm people investigate shit
you pass by on your run. i’m on the front porch hacking into my neighbors neurolink and having him wash my dad’s van
Merry Christmas to everyone except the guy who wrote the instructions on how to put this trampoline together.
Some call me Mike while others call me Jesus Christ, Mike.
ME: long time no see! I heard you’re a doctor
FRIEND: I am. what do you do now?
ME: [glances down at open twitter app] I’m a writer
How do you know when your pen has run out of invisible ink?
Me: My neck is a little stiff
Web MD: You’re in rigor mortis
My father-in-law spent the morning teaching my daughter Spanish, and it was all wrong.
The best thing about snow is that now my lawn looks as good as the neighbor’s.
See?! THIS is why we don’t invite Elsa to the lake house in the summer….
I was playing doctor with my kid and she prescribed me a potato
Cop: we know you’re in there.
Me in a French accent: I am not ere, I am in France.
Cop: when will you be back?
Me: je ne comprends pas
*tides knock down my sand castle*
Me: [looks up at moon] now it’s personal [loads pistol]
You look like somebody ran an uncooked pizza through a washing machine
her: HELP ME! I’m bleeding out!
me: Not on my watch you aren’t!
her: Oh, my hero! Thank you!
me [tucking watch in pocket] Huh?
date: I think we’ve actually met before
picasso: sorry I’m not good with faces
“Nothing wins you an election better than noise pollution.” – Political rallies.
“I want you inside me,” I whispered to the tray of warm brownies.
KID: where do babies come from
ME: [interrupts] and how do we stop that
I feel like I’m finally ready to be a dad. Can’t wait to tell my kids.
Everyone at this exorcism is being like really mean to me
My ability to do the worm originated from tripping, landing on my face and being too lazy to get up to walk to bed
My weird paranoid neighbor, shreds all her mail and closes all the shades.
But never locks her basement window.