The cool thing about having young kids is that they will straight up tell you which parent they love more without anyone even asking.
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When I saw Oprah interview Michelle Obama, Oprah asked how Michelle got over feeling intimidated sitting at big tables filled with smart, powerful men and Michelle said, “You realize pretty quickly that a lot of them aren’t that smart.” I think about that quote every single day.
KATY PERRY: Can I use a real tiger?
NFL: No way, that would be dumb.
KATY PERRY: Oh I’ll show you dumb.
Show your neighbor they shouldn’t park their boat outside of their house by filling it with two of every animal.
I put my toddler in white shorts and took her outside to play like some kind of masochist
Every time I go to the dentist they’re like, “you need a whole new mouth and that will be $23,000.” I’m like, “thank you for my cleaning. I will see you in six months.”
Doctor: “The CAT scan results are in and they have confirmed my suspicions.”
Me: “Okay, I’m ready.”
Doctor: “You’re not a cat.”
Judging by the tweets, you guys all lead really interesting lies
My husband is going out of town for a week and I have some hot plans to get intimate with my *lover
*air fryer
owing to recent events I will be moving to the big duck in Long Island
Y’all wanna hear something funny?
Lol me too
The secret to having all of your dreams come true is to keep changing your dreams to something that’s just about to happen anyway.
Customer: oh hey, I almost ran you over in the parking lot lmao
Me: what stopped you
When I was in first grade, my teacher asked me what my mom did for a living. I said “She sells drugs.” I meant she worked in pharmaceutical sales.
Who did this…? 💫⚡️
Eating chocolate pudding from a diaper is a good way to get a whole row to yourself at the cinema.
[first day as a real estate agent]
me: as you can see this is a beautiful house
client: how many floors does it have
me: *scratching head* um a lot I think there’s one in every room
Don’t mind me while I aim the remote at your face and make fast-forward button gestures.
Cthulhu is just the sound I make when I’m trying to reply to the dentist.
A client just told me I reminded them of their grandmother.
Welcome to 45. The world is my oyster.
If you’re a grown man walkin around with a winter hat that has animal ears I can tell that @ some point people used 2 take your lunch money
I’m not a good fit for the traditional job market because my greatest strengths are challenging authority, being self-righteous, and wanting to go home
Newlyweds: What is mine is yours and what is yours is mine.
Married 10 years: You’re sitting in the dog’s spot.
I can’t believe there’s this yearly Halloween panic about houses giving out good drugs when people won’t even spring for full-size Snickers
If human civilization had a narrator it would just be some guy repeating “Little did they know…” over and over and over.
*roundhouse kicks neighbor’s mailbox into street*
I DO NOT LIKE FAKE BARNS
I drank a beer and then clipped my kid’s bangs, so tomorrow morning should be interesting
Kind of miss the days when one of the biggest things we as a nation disagreed on was Coke vs. Pepsi.
I would steal more cars if only folks left their keys behind the sun visor like in the movies DAMN.
I knew that psychic wasn’t legit when she let me write a check.