*crosses the street slowly in front of your car at an extreme and unnecessary angle*
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Forgot to get McDonald’s after my son’s dr appt to take back to school with him and now CPS just kicked down my door
Once my wife accidentally put in the wrong gate code to get into my parents neighborhood. The guy who answered was extremely rude and made both her and my daughter cry. I now purposely put in his code every time I visit just to make his phone ring.
Kid, when asked to do a chore: “I hope this isn’t gonna become a habit.”
*police sirens*
*Dad bursts into my room wearing a panda suit*
QUICK HIDE THESE NO TIME TO EXPLAIN
*throws a litter of panda cubs at me*
Me [cracking open a beer]: Man, what a rough day.
Wife: IT’S 8 AM
If you guys know anyone, I’m in the market for a mannequin head that’s missing both eyes and has dark hair…please, no weirdos.
Her: baby I’m so wet
Aqua-Man: *looks around* are you joking right now
The human body is a vehicle transporting food from the refrigerator to the toilet.
Every squirrel is a flying squirrel if you’ve got a good throwing arm.
Rob thank god you picked up! Hey remember when you said if I needed a place to crash I cou- hold on *to copilot* STOP CRYING, ROB WILL HELP
I don’t get the objection to gays adopting.
Simba was adopted by two guys & I think everybody would agree he turned out to be quite badass.
Top 3 questions asked by my parents:
3) How’s the business?
2) Do you have a girlfriend?
1) Why are you stealing from our refrigerator?
That first coffee be like oh you’re awake HA just kidding.
People that start a sentence with “Now I’m not trying to be rude” are either about to be rude, or about to sing Ignition by R Kelly.
Dear ppl in rl, yes, you’re right. Social media is nothing like socializing in rl, but let’s see you try muting someone by a single click.
sweetie, she doesn’t mean anything to me. please look at me
At the play museum it was fun showing my kids the toys I used to play with, that is until my tween kept calling them artifacts.
1) Jumped out of bed
2) Cooked breakfast
3) Ran 6 miles
4) Worked out
5) Started lying compulsively
The chips I’m eating are labeled “Harvest Cheddar,” a name which is forcing me to reconsider what I thought I knew about cheese production
People think it’s funny when I tell them not to tickle me or I’ll pee. But they don’t laugh when the tickling has ended and the pee continues. “She’ll ruin all the furniture!” one cries. “Why is she still smiling?!” screams another.
listen, i know shrek isn’t REAL, i was simply asking if it was based on a true story,
I say elections should be decided with an old fashioned game of dodge ball.
There is a hawk following me on my run so now I’m insecure about what I look like and what I smell like
Wife: “Are you ok? You look exhausted.”
Me: “I saw one of those silica gel packs that says ‘Do Not Eat’ 4 days ago & I’m starving to death”
i scammed $50,000 from a financial advice columnist does anyone need anything?
When do you introduce yourself to your new neighbors? Is it after 5 years? Tell me it’s after you hit their mailbox with your car.
*holds flashlight under chin*
“…and then the typo appears, AFTER you hit send!!”
*everyone screams in horror*
Text from FedEx: Your package will arrive last Saturday lololol
Came inside from a run and my 12 y/o daughter told me I was going to lose my hearing because my headphones were too loud, then I told her she didn’t understand me and slammed my bedroom door so her transformation into her Grandma could be complete.