me: I’m quitting, here’s my badge and gun
zookeeper: your what
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I argued otherwise, but the shoe inserts ended up improving my posture, so I stand corrected.
Why do football players only dance when good shit happens? Just once I wanna see a QB throw an interception & do a sad, interpretive dance.
When I force-quit my computer and then start it again, it turns into my parents. It’s not angry, just disappointed that Windows was not shut down properly.
The Gym is like Church. Everybody thinks that by going one hour, one day, they’ll erase what they did during the week.
me: the most exercise I get is from sex
friend: but you’re so out of shape
I feel both proud and ashamed when I see an eating challenge that looks like my average meal.
Don’t tell me you’re into the Halloween spirit unless you go into a haunted house willing to die.
Went to the gym for the first time in months. It turns out I’m more ready for exhuming than I am for exercising.
Can we all agree that “K” is not short for “OK,” it’s short for STFU?
[ First day as a British comedy account ]
I sure do love those chocolate chip *checks writing on hand* biscuits? That can’t be right.
Parenting is great if you want to relive every moment from your childhood when your parents got mad at you – from your parents’ perspective.
WIFE: you probably need a shower
KID: why? how do I smell?
ME: *without looking up* with your nose
[ no-look high five from WIFE ]
The smoke detectors just went off in my house and no one even looked up from their phones.
Wife: Don’t use that Band-Aid. It’s expired.
Me: How can a Band-Aid possibly go bad?
*puts on Band-Aid*
*bursts into flames*
When Canadian Girl Scouts come to sell you cookies, you goddam buy cookies.
Me: I want you to have this bracelet. it belonged to my grandmother.
Her: why does it say “do not resuscitate”
[10mins from now]
..& just like that North Korea was removed from history & got nuked by every country on Earth for bringing down Twitter..
My yoga instructor said “sometimes not moving is the hardest thing for us to do,” and I started laughing so hard I had to excuse myself.
My wife: Don’t kiss me, your stubble hurts my face.
Also my wife: [has three facial exfoliants that contain sand, walnut shells and bamboo]
Me (comforting a friend who’s team lost): There, there. Football is stupid
ME: i miss my friends, today i will text them
MY BRAIN: it might be weird because you haven’t texted in so long
ME: you are right, i will wait a little longer to text them
We’re just started on a 6 hour drive and the boys simultaneously jinxed each other. They won’t talk until I say their names and they’re silently mouthing things at each other.
I just won the traveling with kids lottery.
wanton disregard: extreme lack of care for the well-being or rights of another individual
wonton disregard: using wontons as the target at a shooting range
PREGNANT CASHIER: Have a great day
ME: Thanks, have a great baby
Teacher: what do you call an alligator in a vest
Nobody:
Me: An investigator
My kids call to me “Oh Mommmmmy” like I’m Toodles about to bring them a Mouseketool.
Like you’ve never thought about giving Adderall to a turtle.
I found the worst tweet ever made. It appeared right after I clicked send
Only 2 more days till the day after tomorrow