Your first mistake was trusting me with leftover tiramisu in the fridge
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[on a date]
him: I hope you’re a Game of Thrones fan.
me: *stabs him with a sword then sleeps with his brother*
I guess somewhere around the age of 12 it became my turn to go on the computer, and it still is. my turn just didn’t end. more than a decade later I’m still here, on the computer
If my landlord would just take cat hair instead of money, I could pay for the whole year upfront.
They’re saying I put a stuffed animal in the toilet. Untrue. I sent it on a mission to retrieve my toy cars.
My beef with you is that you’re too chicken to pork me.
“Smell ya later”
-me, to my asparagus
When I pretend to know what I am talking about when I have to go car shopping.
😳😳😳☕️☕️☕️☕️🤪🤪
you got mad on your own you can get happy on your own
-me giving a baby advice
I still wear a mask because I no longer remember how to control my facial expressions in public.
I’m really good at compromising as long as I get my way.
People be all walking and sneezing openly like it is 2019
Sorry boys, but you will never get into these pants. I barely get into these pants. These are very tight pants.
Friends don’t take videos of friends playing drunk Twister in positions that only gynecologists should ever see.
“Lloyd, could you keep your eyes on the road, please?” Oh. Yea. Good thinkin’. Can’t be too careful. A lot of bad drivers out there.
I have no idea who is gonna die first in this movie, because everyone is white.
Oops I deleted….
Home Depot specializes in how can we confuse and overwhelm someone who just needs a lightbulb.
nothing kills high school nostalgia faster than a scroll down your facebook feed
[tsunami approaching]
guy: RUN
me: wait why is the T silent
everyone picked up a quirky new habit during the plague i started blaming the sun for everything
Imagine how stupid you’d feel if you pitched “Yabba dabba doo” at that early Flintstones meeting and it didn’t hit
But have you tried acting like a cicada and screaming nonstop until someone has sex with you?
RRH: Grandma, what big eyes you have. And what big ears you have. And what big TEETH you have!
Grandma: You’re my least favorite grandchild
I’ve been told I can be a bit condescending. That means I talk down to people.
it was the best of times, it was the cursed of times
Replying to peoples selfies with the phone number to a dermatologist is not OK.
I’ll stop now.
It’s like these people at the liquor store have never seen somebody pay with this much change
Boss: are you sticking to the schedule
Death: yeah of course
Boss: so you’re not killing anyone prematurely to gain access to their earthly wares
Death: *pauses brand new PS5* what are you getting at Roy
Ever since I had my fingerprints taken for employment, I often sit at my desk gazing off in the distance, reflecting over the opportunity of an exciting life of crime lost by accepting this job.