His icy glare melts my creamy core. He’s so cold, beads of water drip down his exterior. My walls ache to be drowned by him.
-Oreo to milk
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Just left a note on the ex’s car saying “I STILL LOVE YOU” hope it doesn’t go unnoticed. I keyed it in pretty deep.
beauty:
beast:
beauty: *sips tea*
beast: *sips tea*
beauty:
beast:
beauty: was this inside mrs. potts—
beast: you know I’ve been too scared to ask
Because I never explained otherwise, my son spent a good stretch of time in his childhood thinking that a vice principal at a school was there in case the principal was assassinated.
I wish other people my age weren’t so old.
Why are they called ‘school gym clothes’ and not ‘class action suits’?
Neighbor: It’s July, you need to take down the xmas lights.
Me: It’s no worse than your stupid yard gnome.
Neighbor: That’s my wife.
Why did it have to be the dog? I have the hubby insured for $1.5 million.
Me: *entering my 30th year of employment* I wonder what I’m going to be when I grow up
My toddler punched me in the eye, then made me kiss his hand, ’cause his fist hurt. And he’ll hear about it every Mother’s Day until I die.
Once a year, I put 16 spiders in my husband’s mouth while he sleeps bc
-Let’s get this over with
-He can eat mine
-I really miss Fear Factor
No high school reunion for me. I can see most of them on Cops.
“Get the Reese’s” I whisper to my kid as he trick-or-treats, knowing full well my wife just quietly told him to go for the Twix.
Wow, my son running for student body president just punched a kid on the school newspaper & then the school board made my son the principal.
Ain’t no sunshine when she’s gone, but there sure are a lot of unauthorized charges on the credit card.
If you want to catch a bus you have to *think* like a bus.
“Because I got high” is actually a song about pilots, who go to high altitudes in their planes every day, and have good reason for not doing all those things in the song.
*Facebook down*
Grandpa: *in the back alley* Yes, can I please get a gram of conspiracy theories
Knowing you’ve got indigestion is a gut feeling
#mondaymirth
I THOUGHT IT WAS AN EDIBLE
Would like to think i’m a chill person but i did a jigsaw puzzle the other day with people who had bad puzzle etiquette and i nearly put my fist through the glass top of the coffee table.
no, YOU’RE holding a fresh loaf of bread like a newborn baby
me, too, girl. me, too.
Met a dog named Donut. I don’t need that kind of reminder all day. Excuse me, I have to go take Smaller Portions for a walk.
A man accidentally made eye contact with me on the train, so I left my shoe behind.
And now, we wait…
HER: What’s your cell plan?
ME: Bodily decay over decades until inevitable mortal collapse. You?
HER: …
ME: …
HER: … V-Verizon.
DATE: Tell me about yourself
ME: I own 7 pens!
D: I meant, like, something personal
M:*Sadly* I lie about how many pens I own to impress ppl
“Look we LOVE the script for ‘Murder Bees’, just change the name to ‘My Girl’ and you’ve got yourself a movie!!”
Pressure washing is like regular washing but with a lot of yelling and tight deadlines.
“What do you prefer strength or length?” *How I talk to my friends … apparently about toilet rolls