Sometimes if you say “Wow, you’re tall!” to a tall person they realize they’re tall for the first time and thank you with cash
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wife: *handing me a bowl of raspberries* we have to eat these before they go bad
me: that is true of literally every food
If a mass murderer on death row ordered a Klondike Bar for his last meal I bet it would explain a lot.
Wife [asking serious questions during NFL™ kickoff] …
Me [screaming at tv] yes! Yes! YES!!
Wife: okay! Yay!! [adopts 13 cats]
I once had sex while drinking a beer and didn’t spill a drop.
I only wish there was someone else there to witness it.
[Spider sits at computer and Googles probability of being eaten by human in his lifetime] Holy shit Sharon, COME SEE THIS
CBS: “Tom Petty is dead.”
Tom Petty: “Don’t do me like that.”
doc: i think you’re dying
me: I want a second opinion
doc: i think it’s great
“Pick up some electrician from the market. I’m having problems with AC again.”—married sext
Me: oh shit, our new doormat says ‘Welcome,’ do you think any vampire can just come in now?
BF: just turn it around.
Me: I don’t know…this one has a great turning radius but the other one just looks better.
Husband: For God’s sake, just grab the next available shopping cart!
Some of your tweets really strike a chord with me; I hope off-key and quite flat is what you were aiming for.
Me: *interviewing a potential coworker*: why did you leave your previous job?
Him: I was fired
Me: what for?
Him: I knocked my boss out
Me: How fast can you join?
*whips out a pen for a sword fight*
“ok timeout. nope, this doesn’t feel mightier at all.”
I’m glad humans don’t do the combo breed names like Labradoodle. I wouldn’t want to tell people I’m Germish.
Shoutout to the mosquito who drank all my blood but managed to remain so thin.
Most kids have a stuffed animal or blankie. My niece has one of those plastic owls u put outside to scare away birds
Everyone becomes a robo-dancer with their hands when the motion sensor faucet isn’t working.
Please stop talking about the weather. I recorded this season of The Weather Channel but I haven’t watched it yet.
I’m exhausted from imagining a clean house all day.
Pretty sure it’s pronounced ASK body spray, thanks.
When they bring the bill at the bar and you’re too drunk to count😂
Me: The cat left us a dead bird again
Her: He thinks he’s giving us a present
Me: No, the arrogant SOB thinks we’re too feeble to hunt for ourselves *jumps five feet straight up and snatches a squirrel off a branch*
The computer keyboard was invented before the mouse. It was a precursor.
Fun morning at work…does Costco sell voodoo dolls in bulk?
[blind date]
HER: I am so against vaccines
ME {trying to impress her}: I have polio
My daughter told me I was a dumb piece of poop today
Feeling grateful for all the years I spent in college and my response was, “ well so are you”
*reading news story about how great some guy is* wow this guy sounds great *reading further* oh no, he’s a bomber and he’s dead
My dad, seeing my 7yo on an iPad: when I was a kid we played with sticks and rocks all day!
My 7yo: oooh I love sticks and rocks! Will you play with sticks and rocks with me all day today?
Your move, grandpa.
Me: Jessica has 1/5 cup of milk for her cookie recipe how many times does she need to use the 1/10 measuring cup to make the cookies?
9: How about you figure that out on your own Jessica? Use your own brain.
Watching your childhood favorites as an adult really makes you wonder, “What the hell were my parents thinking?”