I had a long list of important things that I had to get done today. I lucked out, I can’t find it. Anyone free for lunch?
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I 100% believe Aliens live in the Bermuda Triangle. It’s like fishing for them.
Whatever the plot is in Barbie’s movie, my dolls have been through worse
When my toddlers ask where mommy is, I explain that she’s gone to heaven. That way they’re super-excited when she gets back from the gym.
Apparently, when you have an open relationship you’re supposed to inform your partner. But this is new for both of us, especially her.
The doctor asked if I was sexual active.
I shook my head and said “Not in front of the wife”.
When my wife gets upset at me I sneak into her Netflix profile and give thumbs up to the most boring documentaries
my phone, crying: ..pleaSe… I have no space…. delete some photos… I’m begGing you….
me: *hits download*
I went for a run but came back home after 5 minutes because I forgot something.
I forgot that I’m fat and can’t run for more than 5 minutes
(after bedtime)
3:DADDY COME INTO MY ROOM!
Me: go to sleep.
3:YOU HAVE TO COME IN BECAUSE I CAN’T HEAR YOU
M: yes you can
3:NO I CAN’T
[Giving my eulogy]
GIRLFRIEND: He was beloved for his many funny tweets, such as,
*Scrolling**Scrolling*
*Scrolling*
*Very slight chuckle*
*Scrolling*
Okay I actually don’t see any I like but he talked about it a lot, so I assume he was good.
Am sitting in horrible traffic, but fortunately someone is beeping their horn so we should be on the move soon.
The existence of raw sexuality implies the existence of medium sexuality, but also well-done sexuality
Pro: My 3yo knows a little bit of Spanish.
Con: It’s the lyrics from Despacito.
[yelling to bartender in crowded nightclub] WHAT KIND OF CAPRI SUN FLAVORS DO YOU HAVE?
HIM: promise you won’t tell anyone?
ME: yeah! [under my breath] except my best friend
HIM: what?
ME: nothing! [whispering] there is a hierarchy of loyalty and your position on that hierarchy is low
HIM: what did you say?
ME: that ur secret’s safe with me 🙂
JOB REQUIREMENTS: Must have a college degree. Must have 5 years experience. Must have volunteered as tribute and won the 74th Hunger Games.
PRIEST: do you have the ring
ME: *still staring into my fiancé’s eyes* yes on dvd
I was doing CPR on a co-worker for 5 minutes before someone told me that’s just how she laughs
I can’t stop canceling dates. it feels incredible. this guy thought he was gonna find out how many siblings I have and now that mystery will follow him to his grave
*stares at phone*
why cant i sleep
*puts phone face-up on bed, the screen brigtness bathes my room in a light mor powerfubl than the sun*
oh
I want to be a pilot, but mostly so I’d have an excuse to tell passengers, “Where we’re going, we don’t need roads.”
whoa.. whoa… whoa… we ain’t flying anywhere until you get some damn pants on
this is me
i’m so sorry sir, but we here at chase bank don’t accept gun-for-money exchanges. and we need an amount, not just “all the money you got”
Her: Are you even capable of love?
Me: I’m pretty sure I love pancakes.
INTERVIEWER: What happened at your last job?
ME: I was fired for being too literal.
I: How have you supported yourself since then?
M: Legs.
[first day as a doorman]
me: bye, thanks for coming
sperm bank manager: *pulling me aside* this was literally the first thing we talked about
Therapist: How would you describe your relationship with your wife?
Me: She told me to tell you it’s fine