Why are you screaming my name? I’m right here..
Having sex is weird.
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I wouldn’t know what to do with a member even if I caught one
Then darkness fell upon the Earth, and the demons rose to torture and feast on our souls.
CW: Jeeze Ange, it was just a cloud, lighten up.
When I’m older my plan is to mostly talk gibberish then very occasionally turn to a grandchild and say
‘Of course the money is all in that account in Switzerland’.And then start talking gibberish again.
Single white female seeking a nice, respectful paycheck and 401k to settle down with.
ENTRY LEVEL JOB OPENING:
Hiring recent college gradsREQUIREMENTS:
5 years of experience, 6 Olympic gold medals, and superpowers.
nurse: height
me: 6’4″
nurse: weight
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me: wait for what
I’m closing my pizza parlor. The Board of Health revoked my slicense.
Nine out of ten dentist recommend you renew your car warranty or your girl won’t do that thing you like!!!
It’s only Quarantine if it’s in the Quarante province of France. Otherwise it’s just Sparkling Isolation.
Lance isn’t a common name now, but in Medieval times guys were named Lance a lot.
ME: [movie director] Have you ridden a horse before?
ACTOR: I can pick it up as we go along
ME: We really need you on top the horse
Never, ever ask a woman if she’s pregnant unless you see an actual baby being born. Even then, act surprised.
them: do you think about other people when you have sex
me: when I have what now
I once read the words “You have bewitched me body and soul” but your eggplant emoji is nice too.
all my demons came for free. these must be organic.
I just unplugged my WIFI and heard someone yell WTF from across the street!
Is your meth contaminated with coronavirus? This Florida police dept. will test it for free
My weird paranoid neighbor, shreds all her mail and closes all the shades.
But never locks her basement window.
“Having sex for money is bad because it is counterfeiting feelings” wow dude, I have bad news about every other customer service job ever
If I was a Premier League manager and my team were playing an 8:15pm midweek match, I’d give my players just one piece of advice before kick-off:
Brush your teeth now and wear your pyjamas under your kit. That way, you’ll be able to go to bed quicker when you get home.
[first day in prison]
ME: so whatcha in for?
HUGE CELLMATE [menacingly]: beating up nerds who ask too many questions
ME: how many is too many?
HUGE CELLMATE: one
ME: oh no
[calling in sick]
BOSS: This is the third time in a month you’ve had a stomach flu…How is that even possible?
ME {trying to not let on I’m a cow}: Well I definitely have only one stomach that’s for sure
[hotel fire alarm]
M: *in pjs* How did people get dressed and outside so quickly?
H: It’s 10am, they were already dressed.
M: impressive
I’m laughing way harder than I should for this image.
okay but exactly how dangerous are these ducks?
Brain: Walk up to her and offer her a drink.
Me: I WANT TO DRINK YOU LIKE A SIPPY CUP.
Brain: Can you actually hear me?
When my youngest was 3, he wrote “dad” on the coffee table in Sharpie.
When I asked him who did that, he glanced at me, studied the coffee table, looked me right in the eye and said, “It looks like dad did it.”
I continue to blame my ex-husband for this at least once a year.
Shoutout to all the bank robbers who aren’t being taken seriously anymore.
My son curses like I make love. He has no idea how to do it and someone usually yells at him and tells him to stop before he’s finished.
When your spouse comes to you excited about a toilet seat, it’s best to remind yourself this person will most likely decide when to pull your life support plug someday so you get excited with them about that toilet seat.