The Terminator: I need your clothes
Me: no problem *unbuttons skinny jeans and lays down* pull
The Terminator: ok this isn’t going to work
Me: *holding up a leg* PULL
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me: I heard you guys have a rule that kids don’t get a peppermint after the meal if they don’t eat their vegetables–is that true?
waiter: ah, nah, we bring them out either way
kids: YAAAAY!!!
me: thanks, bro
Two rotisserie chickens.
One for chicken noodle soup and the other as a backup for when you eat the one you wanted to put into the soup.
I’m not smiling because I like you, I’m smiling because I’m imagining a piano landing on your head.
I have a tattoo of a tiger shirt underneath my tiger shirt so when I take off my tiger shirt BOOM tiger shirt
When I asked for some alone time, I didn’t mean when I was bringing in the groceries.
who called it pissing in the woods and not toiletrees
[blind date]
OK don’t let her know you’re a remote control“Your eyes are beau-
*sinks into seat crevice, lost for weeks*DAMMIT NOT AGAIN
Me when I’m high: I’ll take seven burritos.
Me when I’m not high: I’ll take seven burritos.
If I ever met the Dalai Lama, I would ask him a question that has plagued me my entire life.
“What color do Smurfs turn if you choke them?”
Social media: for when you want to fight with your kids on 3 platforms
Guy at the Apple store suggested I turn off my phone once a week, so I slapped his face and ran out of the store crying.
Pilot: “What does this button do?”
*intercom turns on*
Pilot: “Doesn’t do anything. Not sure what any of these buttons do.”
It’s one thing to get a golf tee stuck in a nostril. Shit happens. But if you’ve got a golf tee in each nostril, that’s a pattern. Wake up.
Called in, “I can either stay home today and learn to play this accordion or bring it in with me. Your call.”
Hypnotist: *you are getting sleepy*
Me: I can’t be hypnotized, man
Hypnotist: *waves plate of nachos before my eyes*
Me: touché
My problem is I always think I can get ready in 15mins when I have repeatedly proven that I can’t 😂
Next time you want to question the rationality of women, just remember that they freak the fuck out when they see a centimeter long spider.
What woman say right before they kill you:
Wow.
Fine.
Whatever.
No problem.
I’m not mad.
Nothing’s wrong.
Sure, stay friends with your ex.
BOSS: Why aren’t these documents attached together?
ME: Sorry I couldn’t find my…[suddenly forgets the word stapler]…desk crocodile
I won a cozy blanket at work today and pissed off a lot of people. It was awesome.
Walking by a jewelry store and admiring diamond earrings:
Friend: Maybe he’ll get you those for Christmas
Me: I’ve been asking for a new potato peeler for the past five years, so I’m guessing that’s a no
All of my loved ones know, that if I ever use the phrase
”He seemed nice, but he was a Capricorn” in a call, they need to get the cops involved, ’cause I’ve been kidnapped.
Wookiees don’t smoke, they chewbacca.
Say what you will about the state of the world, but now feels like a really good time to start marketing my C̶u̶l̶t̶ C̶o̶m̶m̶u̶n̶e̶ Adult Summer Camp
Throwing burgers around furniture because I have a hunch that termites only eat wood because they have not tried anything tastier.
*yells from space*
Did you kill that spider?!
Sometimes I worry that maybe I’ll never have sex again then I look at OKCupid and kind of start to feel at peace with the idea.
Hello darkness, my old friend. It’s time to eat all the carbs again
Yelling at me for warming towels in the oven is not going to get the fire department here any faster.