Me: If you take them out of their natural habitat they seek revenge by burning your tounge
Sis:
M:
S: That’s a pizza roll. You’re high
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I hate gender stereotypes.
Sometimes I give my son a drink in a pink cup and my daughter a drink in a blue cup, just to test their reactions.
Turns out they don’t like whisky.
spoke to a 93 year old retired english teacher earlier and she stopped me mid conversation to say “please don’t end your sentence with a preposition” ok! i actually don’t know what that is
Probably the sport I’m best at is screaming.
I haven’t broken a mirror lately, but my water broke and I’ve had seven years of kids crawling into my bed
experienced cop: it’s ok kid, you get used to it
millennial rookie cop, retching near murder scene: the coffee you brought was not artisanal
13 Types of Regret You’ll Experience After Clicking on a Link to an Article That Won’t Live Up to its Exaggerated Headline
Turns out Leaf Blower Guy, my neighbour of 10 years, knows my actual name so I guess I’m left with no choice but to do the adult thing here and find out his by stealing his mail.
Finally found a use for one of my old bridesmaid dresses. I feel like the prettiest girl in Home Depot.
I used to work at McDonald’s and we only told ugly people that the ice cream machine was broken
So I have bad news if you were ever denied ice cream
accidentally left edibles for santa and came downstairs to find him trying to watch pink floyd on my toaster
My brother in law is devastated that he didn’t get into the next London marathon.
I’ve never related to anyone less.
My thoughts are with you but my prayers are reserved for Kelly on FB that’s cooking a casserole for the first time.
I found a lost dog whose tag said 905-555-4598. Who would name a dog that?
#WhenCopyEditorsWorkDrunk …
I hate when scientists are like “some insects can see colors we can’t.” Like ok? What colors? Quickly.
[phone]
WIFE: Where the hell are u?
ME: Well…u know that shop where u saw that ring you love
W: OMG YES
M: I’m catching Pokemon near there
To: ALL STAFF
Subject: FW: RE: RE: FW: FW: FW: RE: RE: FW: RE: RE: FW: FW: How to Effectively Use the E-Mail Subject Line
Me: *talking to teen daughter*
Teen: I can’t hear you.
Me: *unplugs WiFi*
Teen: I HEARD THAT!
Anytime I cannot find my kids I just go to the bathroom and wait for them to barge in
SCIENTISTS: there are only 90 seconds remaining on the doomsday clock
ME: [73 seconds still remaining on my microwave hotdog] c’mon… c’monnn
Chocolate fountains are so 20th century. This is the future. At my wedding we’re having a burrito fountain.
So society’s *real* key workers have just been revealed.
Not the bankers. Not the traders. Not the elite hedge fund managers.
It’s the nurses. The doctors. The delivery drivers. The carers. The porters. The teachers. The shelf stackers. The check out staff.
#COVID19
I’m sorry I used your Diva Cups to quarantine my sea monkeys.
My dad is in Hawaii for travel…
[interview]
employer: where do you see yourself in 2 years
me: talking down to people & doing as little as possible
employer, taking notes: okay, so…management
My OnlyFans would be me editing your papers before you submit them.
OnlyFANS = Only Flawless Apostrophes ‘N Spelling
I do, however, think Starbucks should arrest people who are just pretending to write.
ME: Avenge my death
CO-WORKER: That’s just a paper cut
ME: [coughs, grabs his collar] DON’T YOU NORMALIZE THIS
Making it easier for the municipal leaf removal crew by dropping each leaf in an envelope & mailing it to city hall