Wife : don’t forget to pick up the kids at the school
Me : why
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When someone giving me directions says, “You can’t miss it,” I would love to tell them just how wrong they were if I could find my way back to them.
[God making coconuts]
ANGEL: Hair on the outside?
GOD: Yes
ANGEL: Milk on the inside?
GOD: Yes
ANGEL: So, this is another mammal?
GOD: [taking bong rip] lmao, no
The Fast and the Furious is my favourite movie about me running away after dropping a vase in an antiques store
It’s so hot at work I need to wear as little clothes as possible without being sent to HR
I just heard a newborn crying & my remaining ovary shriveled up & fell out. I kicked it under the fridge. The ovary, I’m not a monster.
I photoshopped some long arms onto a T rex. Those short ones don’t look so stupid now, do they?
me: [holding my cat like a baby] the apocalypse is here
cat: [scratches me]
me: no. we must remain calm
Not saying I’m lazy, but if we had a motion detector alarm in our house it wouldn’t have gone off all day yesterday, even though I was home.
Oh boy, I am desperate!
My bowels do churn.
Too many tacos!
I never will learn.
Pardon me, Sir!
I believe it’s my turn.– Horton Has to Poo
Toddlers are fun because every so often they‘ll agree with almost anything you say.
Me: we’re going out tonight okay?
Toddler: yeah.
Me: we’re gonna get into some trouble.
Toddler: yeah.
Me: start a revolution.
Toddler: yeah!
Me: Then we’ll go to bed.
Toddler: no.
I tried to be polite and hold the door open for a woman, but she kept screaming, “I’m peeing in here!”
My time has come.
NFL catch rules are absurd. “Even though it looked like he caught it, he hadn’t accepted the ball into his heart. Therefore, incomplete.”
The cupcakes I started baking in my Easy Bake Oven in 1978 are ready.
Anybody want one?
GUY: I dare you
ME: no
G: I double dog dare you
ME: no
G: I TRIPLE dog dare you!
ME: [realizing if I keep this up ill get a lot of dogs] no
Dyslexics are teople poo!
me: can we discuss my crippling fear of elephants?
therapist: i’m all ears
me: *screaming*
Why don’t they just call pot head janitors ‘ High maintenance ‘ ?
Yeah breakups are sad but have you ever come home to find out you forgot to turn on your crockpot?
Guys named Hugh are 75% ugh
[first day as an undercover cop]
mobster: are you wearing a wire
guy in my earpiece: say no
me: they said to tell you no
My walk of shame is just me leaving a party trying to hide a Tupperware container of leftover cake under my hoodie.
I really love how squirrels get extra chubby heading into winter mostly because it’s super relatable
When we first dated I thought your freckles were dots of inexcusable cuteness. Now I can see how joined up they draw a pentagram.
“I like big nuts and I cannot lie/Raisins, M&Ms I can’t deny”
-Sir Trail Mix-A-Lot
I would give up shouting at trees for you.
You want me to go to the bathroom? The thing that killed Elvis?
This message is invisible.
Only people who suffer from
lack of sex can read this.
Hoping for an even stronger cup of coffee, I just replaced the water in my coffee maker with coffee. Now we wait.
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