Why is burning a bridge viewed as a bad thing? I mean what if a clown is chasing you?
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telling my wife that netflix is voice enabled and watching her scream “I’M STILL HERE!” repeatedly at the television has maybe been the greatest five minutes of my life
Haiku is a cross
between poetry and math.
Satan’s handiwork.
I identify with this toooooo much. 😂😂😂😂😂
I was mowing the lawn and a frog just appeared out of nowhere and threw himself under the mower. Guess he wanted to Kermit suicide.
America: We are free from the British, what should we do first?
Someone in the back of the crowd: Let’s change our spelling
If you answer the right answer on a “wrong answer only” post, didn’t you technically follow the instructions?
When someone walks into a room, I like to tap the person next to me and in a loud stage whisper say “Is that who you were telling me about?”
[at the gun store]
Me: I’ll take that gun & a box of ammo
Clerk: that’ll be $250
Me [with a gun & a box of ammo]: no
Research is preliminary but we estimate the number of crimes actually solved by boy detectives to be somewhere in the neighborhood of zero.
As a kid my mom laughed at me because I was always worrying about being shot with a crossbow while on the toilet. Well who’s laughing now?
*rips finished page from adult coloring book*
*puts it on daughter’s toy kitchen fridge*
when your wife asks about the texts from Marie
Remember when you used Twitter to update friends & family on where you were, & what you were doing?
Yeah, me neither.
CBS: “Tom Petty is dead.”
Tom Petty: “Don’t do me like that.”
You may recognize me from many TikTok videos playing the role of Mom Who Talks Because She Doesn’t Know Camera Is On
I’m at the age I don’t remember it’s my birthday but my wife makes me feel better by reminding me I’m at the age I don’t remember anything.
Don’t do drugs, kids.
The extra demand will drive up the price for the rest of us.
Seriously you guys, the only reason to check Facebook, is to find out where people are going, and then go somewhere else.
Ever meet one of these people that makes everything a competition? I’ve met more.
What if i just replied “not now kitten daddy’s busy” to all my work emails?
[at restaurant]
Me: What’s under all that garnish?
Her: Nothing, it’s a salad.
Waking up and having 3 hours before my alarm goes off: *sleeps*
Waking up and having 3 minutes before my alarm goes off: *SLEEPS FASTER*
[on my deathbed]
me: a….ah…..
wife: what is it!! what are you trying to say?
me: ah…… alexa…… play despacito
Doctor: what seems to be the problem?
Me: I need to be docted
Doctor: you came to the right place. I’m a doctor. I doct people
Nothing ends a debate like an Asian mom carrying a wooden spoon.
5-year-old: Why is there a baseball bat under your bed?
Me: In case there’s a burglar.
5:
Me:
5: Why do burglars like to play baseball?
Vegans will look you dead in the eye and tell you cauliflower taste like ribs…
Evil villain: You can run but you can’t hide!
Me: That’s where you’re wrong pal. *out of breath* I can’t do either
Normal Person: *has a bad dream, says “that was weird haha” and goes on with day*
Me: *has a bad dream, thinks of ways to make it into an unusual, horrifying plot for a novel, then get writer’s block, can’t finish it, and say “that was weird haha” and go on with my day*
opening twitter today