to a guy who shits on people’s lawns, everything looks like a lawn
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casino dealer: ok all bets on the table
cat: [pushes bets off the table]
dealer: stop that are you in or out
cat: YES
If the only way you can make money with your degree is to become a professor teaching the subject…
Then you have–by definition–joined a pyramid scheme.
What if this “alert” was just Americans being called in from recess?
Enough of your nonsense, nap time.
therapist: and what is it about this generation that bothers you?
satan: i give them the intro tour and they just say shit like “ooo spooky lol”
therapist: that’s not so bad
satan: when i showed one girl the pit of everlasting flame, she sighed and said “big mood”
Hey I noticed you’re completely uninterested in me and couldn’t care whether I live or die would you like to build a life together?
Every time a plumber swears assume they’re going to add $100 to your bill.
I love it when companies with names like “Grandmas cookies” have ingredients like Thiamin mononitrate.
I remember waiting for the cookies to cool and licking the bromine off of the spoon. Good times.
72% of trick or treating is yelling “CAR!!!” at your kids.
Food was bad, cabins were dirty, everyone but me was gruesomely killed. Liked the paddle boats. 1/2 star. -Yelp review of Camp Crystal Lake
Okay with female deers & drops of golden sun. But always felt that “La” deserved a better identity than “a note to follow So”
my red blood cells watching me pick open a scab that they spent hours making
7YR OLD: dad, when Bruno Mars sings “so many pretty girls around me & they waking up the rocket,” what’s he mean?
ME: he’s a NASA scientist
Wow! It’s hard to believe summer is just around the corner and that seasons have corners.
Any other person cuts their thumb: “Expletive!”
Me, a Catholic person: “Expletive! To thee do we cry, poor banished children of Eve!”
Tsunamis are caused by dolphins breakdancing to celebrate passing another IQ test.
Might start a YouTube channel “will it hurt if i drop it on my foot”
Check for bed bugs by yelling “Gee, I’m so happy there are no bed bugs here!”, and if you hear faint giggling, set the bed on fire.
Wednesday
“I don’t think being an only child affected me at all.”
I say, as I straighten my tiara, whilst eating the last cookie.
My husband and I are very compatible.
He’s a problem solver and I have lots of them.
“Oh hi, you’re home early”
“Do you know what female deer are called?”
“Does”
“Sorry – does you know what female deer are called?”
I liked Metamucil better back when it was called Facebookmucil.
When I’m mad at my husband, I ask him to help me find my phone and then put it in my pocket on silent.
[family thanksgiving in 2020]
HER: hey the turkey is still frozen
ME: everyone else says it’s fine mom try logging out and back in
Shout-out to smartphones for eliminating tedious tasks from our lives like reading books or watching the road when we drive.
I had to explain to my 5yo that he’s not allowed to “kaboom” the baby
This all started with Meghan’s friend setting her up on a blind date with Prince Harry. My friends are actually useless.
I don’t make the same mistake twice.
I make it at least 5-6 times to be sure.
me: my doctor said to replace oil with applesauce to be healthier
mechanic: [looking at my car’s smoking engine] i think he just meant in food