mmm onion ringos
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How much for the horse tornado?
Sir, that’s a carousel.
I must have it.
*Calling from the bakery
Me: “Honey, can I get you something: a muffin, eclair, a cupcake?”
Her: “Surprise me!”
Me: “I think I’m gay”
[Shark Tank]
Ok hear me out.
-Alright.
It’s an airplane made out of cats.
-But why?
It cant crash. Always lands on it’s feet.
-Please leave.
I like to sneak a donut into the salad bar so everyone will ask, “WAIT, THERE’S DONUTS?” and I say, “Sorry, last one!” and then eat it.
Husband is watching a Hunger Games movie marathon with the kids.
Little does he know that while he’s at work all day, I LIVE the Hunger Games with these people. And it’s definitely a marathon.
[wakes up & turns to wife]
“I had a nightmare. You died.”
“Aw. It was just a-”
“Let me finish. You died & I had to make my breakfast.”
[describing a chair] it’s like a swing without all the drama
Keep your friend’s toast and your enemy’s toaster.
Sometimes Jesus asks himself, “What would some self-righteous hypocrite do?”
I enjoy quaint, old-fashioned customs like being nice to people.
9: Dad, did you know that in some cultures the groom doesn’t even know the bride until after they’re married.
Me: That’s every culture son.
Never put a toaster in the bathtub. Nobody likes soggy toast.
me: hey it smells like upmanyoudontneedcouplescounselling in here
therapist: what’s upmanyoudontneedcouplescounselling?
me: haha right on, cya guys
wife: wha-
therapist: omfg he’s so smooth why would you ever wanna leave him?
Clearance aisles are awesome. I don’t even have a ham but for fifty cents I’m gonna glaze something.
Why are they called “grammar Nazis” and not “the Gestypo”?
*hip thrusts my way to the buffet table*
ALADDIN: I can show you the world
ME: I’ve seen enough
i bet the first guy to say “smooth as a babies bottom” wasnt the most respected man in the community
Hard as they try, cats are absolutely not helpful when making beds.
*phone rings
15: I hope it’s him!
*phone rings
25: hope it’s about the job
*phone rings
35: (handing phone to stranger) i died. tell them
My husband and I are co-counsel in trial today.
We already had an argument about who would drive to the courthouse.
This should be good.
I’ll put a comma, after a comma, even if it doesn’t need a comma, to completely, drive you, insane.
I Spit On Your Gravy #MakeAHorrorFilmLessScary
evanescence – noun: the process of vanishing or fading out of sight, memory, or existence.
So that’s what happened. Great band name, guys.
Again this year, I’m giving up Hershey’s chocolates for Lindt…
[showing my family to coworker]
This is a picture of my daughter & my cat. Mittens & Jack.
“You named your daughter Jack?”
Nope, mittens
TINDER DATE: When you said you looked exactly like you do in your profile pic, you weren’t lying.
ME: *kneeling outside the movie theatre, holding a fish* Nice to meet you, Rebecca.
The Internet makes things so convenient. Before it existed, if you wanted to order a DVD online, you had to invent the Internet.
This day in history. 1976. 80-year-old choreographer Busby Berkeley died tragically when he wandered absently into a circle of high kicking showgirls.
Girl: I will literally **kill** you
Tall guy: that is adorable, ilysm my lil beansprout
Short king (unsheathing his samurai sword): so it’s come to this