Instagram better not use my cloud pics. THEY’RE MY CLOUDS GET YOUR OWN CLOUDS ZUCKERBERG!
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A roomba that swears every time it hits something.
‘I’ve been a very naughty girl!’ she said, licking her lips, ‘I need to be punished . . .’
So he invited his mother to stay for Christmas.
peanut butter toast, simultaneously an underrated food and the majority of my genetic makeup
Yesterday I took my first grade class to meet our new librarian. After leaving, one 6yo asked me if the old librarian left because she wanted to read different books.
In high school, one of my friends was a mormon who wanted to have twins named Idaho and Udaho, and I think about that a lot
[me, watching Alfred Hitchcock’s The Birds] oh, there they are
Lady was pissy when I insisted on walking with her to the parking lot, but it was raining and she had an umbrella.
A sad text from my wife when we were dating was “I don’t feel good, I can’t make it tonight.”
A sad text from my wife today is “Don’t forget to pick up cauliflower rice on your way home.”
I want a pet otter just so I can introduce it as my otter half.
Kylo Ren: Hey, why is my paycheck so low?
General Hux: Damages. Maybe you should stop throwing temper tantrums with your lightsaber.
all i want is to be as happy as this potato
Exes really text you out of nowhere like bro didn’t you cheat on me
I’m sorry to hear your uncle was run over by a boat in Venice. My gondolences.
Shouting “Shotgun” will get you the front seat of a car or a heap of cash if you whisper it to a cashier.
Exposed Ashley Madison users feel hurt & betrayed, unsure if they can ever trust again.
Me checking my bank balance online.
*wakes up to wife and son screaming*
me: What are you guys yelling about?
them: YOU’RE DRIVING
I’ve been getting some anonymous fortune cookies from an angry American — and I think it’s time to give props for creativity…
New mindset, who dis?
How you gonna accidentally send an inbound missile warning to everyone in Hawaii by “pressing the wrong button”? I had to click “are you sure you want to do this”, verify my thumbprint, and solve an algebra equation just to unsubscribe from the Mr. Belvedere fan club newsletter.
If the salesman doesn’t come with me on the test drive, I just take the car home and wait for them to come get it. I have so many cars now.
Our forefathers fought against British rule so anyone can become president. For the first time in 240 years, we’re regretting that decision.
I want to be a pilot, but mostly so I’d have an excuse to tell passengers, “Where we’re going, we don’t need roads.”
Show her how romantic you are by sprinkling body parts in a trail leading to the bed.
*lights dim in restaurant*
DATE: did it just become sexier in here?
ME: I CAN’T SEE MY MENU
A gun is like a coupon that works anywhere
Necessity is the mother of Invention.
And there are also lots of other people in my family with stupid names.
Volkswagen’s crimes are CHARMING compared to Samsung’s immeasurable noise pollution with their default whistling asshole ringtone.
Women wanted him, men wanted to be him, geese were skeptical
Nothing says I mean business like wearing a hospital gown to the pharmacy.