Why did humans stop making constellations? What’s stopping us from pointing at a pattern of stars and going “that’s Cher.”
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If you drop a peanut in a shag rug forget it, let it go.
Break the ice when sending business emails by being the first to use a poop emoji
[Pet store]
Boss: “I have to fire you. I know you’ve been stealing puppies.”
Me: “You can’t prove that.”
*My purse starts barking*
This message stamped on the squeaker inside the stuffed animal my dog just destroyed
Just know that when times get tough and you see two sets of footprints in the sand, that’s when Elmo and Tracy Chapman are carrying you
ME: How are you?
GUY WHO JUST FOUND OUT ABOUT THE WORD ROBUST: Robust.
If I was stuck on a desert island with only one record, I would want it to be the record for being able to swim the farthest.
Watching horror movies has convinced me that answering a phone never ends well for anyone.
I was just about to go and remind my neighbour to slam all of his car doors as many times as possible in five minutes, but there’s no need.
Me: Are the bowling trophies included?
Realtor: Haha
Me: …
Realtor: …no, they aren’t
Me: I’m not interested then
Men always criticize our big ole purses but stay asking us for something out of it.
“U got gum?”
“Give me some lotion”
“Hold my gun”
Breaking News:
Germany defeats Argentina… France surrenders.
Bakers who don’t wear underwear are going commandough
It’s hard to tweet and change the baby’s diaper at the same time.
I probably should have waited until I got to a red light.
Hubs: Why are you spending so much time on Twitter lately?
Me: I need to find my people
Him: You have a family, we are your people
Me: *this is awkward* But I’m looking for people I actually like
super glad this box of pasta says “store in a cool dry place” because i usually keep all of my groceries in a bog
Home is where the heart is, and hopefully it’s where all of the other vital organs reside too.
me: [having a normal conversation but also wondering if bees consider us thieves or business associates]
People that are stoned shouldn’t throw glass houses.
I got dumped by my therapist, she said “ she needs to work on her”
*weighs self after shaving
toddler parkour is trying to find the slowest and most elaborate route to get anywhere
My husband left me this morning. Again.
he’ll be back after work, but still. I’m getting really sick of these games.
[God making spaghetti]
ANGEL: Did you accidentally drop a lasagna in the paper shredder?
GOD: [taking bong rip] Bold of you to assume it was an accident.
In a cementary, I saw a guy crouching behind a tombstone. Morning, I said. No, he said, just taking a dump… .
Wait unicorns aren’t real?
Are you saying that I made out with a regular horse?
My 6yo told my husband he was “grounded for eternity,” but my 4yo pointed out that “you have to let him out when he dies so he can go to a cemetery.”
mugger: *points gun* your money or your life
me: sure thing *hands him my id* you got 2 kids and didn’t actually understand the matrix
mugger: no i mean-
me: *already running away* your late for steph’s recital
I may be a woman but I know all about off-road adventuring. Your tyres need to be soft when driving in sand so just make little holes in your tyres. Stab stab stab.
Follow me for more adventuring tips.
Frankly auto correct,I’m getting tired of your shirt.