Me: I don’t get it, how can you sell “gently used” coffins?
Coffin Salesman: Dead people don’t do barely nothin’ to a coffin, if you get ’em out quick enough
Me: You have mud all over your pants
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do you like my signals
I mixed them myself
Imagine if a centipede had to cut its toenails.
ad for letuce:
do u- hey do u ever wish u coud eat water
[Cops break down door]
Gang Leader: How did you find us?Cop: One of you left prints all over the scene.
Me: *Licking Cheeto dust off fingers* My bad.
one time when i was a kid my parents let an iguana babysit us while they went to a pablo cruise concert
Stop buying plastic skeletons for Halloween. It’s terrible for the environment. Locally sourced, all natural skeletons are much more environmentally friendly.
My coworker had a baby. I had a BLT. I think we all know who the real winner is
[In bed with gf]
“Do you have any fantasies?”
Yeah, one. You know your friend Sarah, the hot one?
“Yes.. why?”
I want to hit her with my car
ADVERSARY: I’ll beat you at your own game
ME: so crying is competitive now?!
Cookie Monster have other things going. Whole life not just cookie.
What’s the most unhinged reply you’ve gotten on here because once I retweeted someone who said garbage dumps should have viewing windows for kids to watch and someone said that was dangerous because the kids might see discarded body parts serial killers threw away in the trash
Why is a zombie’s strongest primal instinct always “violent hunger” when their organs don’t work? I feel like I’d just want to collect frogs
If sharks are so tough how come not a single one turned up to fight me behind the school last Friday
Jehovah’s Witness’: Have you given any thought to the afterlife?
Me: Depends, are you two gonna be there?
J.W: Why yes..
[slams the door]
me: [deadlifting 200 lbs]
mortician: sir
Every surgery is exploratory if you have no idea what you’re doing
Get in, there’s no time to explain.
At the polling station. Bodes well for Labour – loads of young people here. Or I might possibly be at the wrong primary school.
*creators of the alphabet, exhausted, and near the end*
Whatever, let’s just call this letter…double u.
Boss: this project is moving along at a snail’s pace!!
*silence*
Todd the snail: This is bullshit
*spends 3hrs storming out of meeting*
Text from girlfriend: I love u more than anything else
Me: I love all the letters equally
dog lover: [holding dog] this is my fur baby
me: [holding baby] this is my skin puppy
When I die, I’m donating my body to the theater department. The science department has enough bodies. I want to be a theater prop.
the concept of sister cities was developed so that towns could borrow each other’s dresses
No matter how much milk I buy or when, there is always 1/8 cup left in the carton when I want some.
How does the fire know to exit at those specific doors?
The worst part of having kids is doing all the math you never thought you’d see again.
Sugar is cheap. I want an avocado daddy.
I hate when someone sneaks up in front of you when you’re scrolling on your phone
Permission to use your hammer, your honor
It’s a gavel
Permission to use your gavel
Denied
*looks longingly at pile of walnuts & sighs*