Sex so good my Fitbit gave me a trophy.
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me: are you telling me how to raise my children?
necromancer: trying to, yeah
I am ‘being spanked and told to nap is punishment’ years old
*winks*
Toddlers be like, “excuse me madam that’s my emotional support Walmart receipt.
the prophecies have been fulfilled
{At therapists}
SIMBA: Once my dad let a monkey hold me over a cliff.
A moment of silence for the paycheck that was in my account for five minutes.
I told my friends, family and dentist that I chipped my tooth recently because Storm Isha blew the garden door into my face at high speed. The truth is that I was actually playing tug of war with our Alsatian dog, by holding the other end of the rope in my teeth.
If I got kidnapped I’d continuously sing Pitbull songs until they kill me, I’d die but at least they’d suffer too.
Apparently, if you scream into a pillow at Target you have to buy it.
My pics are real.
I don’t use any filters.
I don’t even use coffee filters.
I eat coffee straight outta the container like a man
[FIRST DATE]
Me, opening mouth seductively: “And this is where I burned my tongue on pizza, and this is where I burned my tongue on fries, a
cashier: would you like to donate to help fight kids—
me: lemme stop you right there. yes
Top causes of divorce:
1. Finances
2. Infidelity
3. Unmet expectations
4. Growing apart
5. Tandem bikes
Everyone: Look at all of those red flags.
Me: Red is the color of love tho.
I’m all for the scientific method.
Right now I’m experimenting to see how much swearing makes other parents stop inviting you to things.
Him: I’m a pilot. Got a degree in aviation, thousands of flight hours, a lot-
Me: I’m a pilot too! Hot air balloons.
Him: That’s really not the same at all, you-
Me: *pantomiming pulling a chain*
Him: How do you even steer?
Me: *shrugs* Anyway, we have the same job.
[Before 9 was invented]
7: damn I’m hungry
GARY JOHNSON: let me debate, i wanna debate, lemme lemme
MODERATOR: FINE! how will you deal with big banks
JOHNSON: like…river banks, or
Thinking, as I often do, about the time Yahoo News thought “Zooey Deschanel divorces Death Cab for Cutie frontman Ben Gibbard” meant she had left a man named Death Cab to pursue a relationship with the lead singer of the band Cutie
the nice thing about always being late is never having to worry about getting worms
Let he who is without sin cast the first stone if you want babies throwing rocks everywhere. Dangerous.
Please do not ask a bookworm if they are going to finish the books they have before buying more. It is very offensive in our culture.
What if the first tire-swing was left there as a warning to other tires?
8yo: I want to paint my pumpkin this year!
Me: Cool, what color?
8yo: Orange!
Me:
8yo:
Me: *pours drink* Let’s do it
god: [creating sharks] make them apex predators of the ocean
angel: sounds fearsome
god: ya but if you punch them in the face they just immediately leave
If you’re not sure if a woman is pregnant or not, go ahead and ask her how far along she is in order to clear things up
Kids: *jumping on me* WAKE UP
Me: I’m woke
Kids: How woke?
Me: We’re putting Harriet Tubman on something that enslaves us all today.
No coffin for me thanks. I want to be creamated and have my ashes stored in a nice Tupperware container.
walkable cities suck i want to be hit by a car on the highway
Godzilla’s attack on Tokyo was revenge for the hours he wasted watching Dragonball GT disgrace the legacy of Dragonball Z.