*bird watching*
Me: “Is that a Dark Blue Wrangler up there in that tree?”
Friend: “A Dark Blue Warbler? Never even heard of that. Where?”
*I point to where I saw it, but it’s too late. The pair of jeans has already been spooked, and majestically flies off into the sunset.*
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Huge, if true.
Me: I just don’t see how Luigi could afford a mansion like that on a plumber’s salary, especially since he worked for his brother
Wife: see what I mean?
Therapist: shut up for a second he has a point
I’m pretty sure when Kenny Rogers said we gotta know when to fold em, he was talking about slices of pizza
People need to stop posting denigrating photo memes of animals; they have dignity and deserve respect. Oh that’s Rick Santorum? Ok carry on.
My dad, seeing my 7yo on an iPad: when I was a kid we played with sticks and rocks all day!
My 7yo: oooh I love sticks and rocks! Will you play with sticks and rocks with me all day today?
Your move, grandpa.
I was homeschooled so my back to school pics were of me standing in front of the house before I went back inside.
Retired bakers have nothing to prove.
Popped out a tiny human today so thats neat
I realize I put this off but how much weight can I lose in 2 hours?
INTERVIEWER: Why did you leave your previous job?
ME: Because once they fire you they won’t let you stay.
Crazy but not like defend my opinion of a roast beef sandwich crazy
BUT YOU SAID IF I WANTED TO BE YOUR LOVER, I HAD TO GET WITH YOUR FRIENDS!
Cop: Open the trunk please
Me: *suddenly defensive*
I have a permit for thatCop: Okay you don’t need a permit but why is it full of Queso?
I could make a sandwich before a British person finishes saying “et cetera.”
[airline check-in]
SERVICE DESK: ok, I see you have no bags to check, you must be traveling light
PHOTON (wearing fake mustache): haha what makes you say that
I can never hear what my kids are up to while I’m in the shower so I just yell “HEY cut it out!” every 60 seconds and hope that keeps them in line
The biggest problem with prison is that you can only rearrange your cell in so many ways because of where the toilet is.
Letting my cat know in a positive way that he’s looking very round today.
A shampoo bottle upside-down in the shower is basically your low-fluid indicator light.
Whenever I meet a new baby, I stand still and let it come up to me and smell my hand first before I try to pet it
*holding banana up to my ear as if it’s a phone*
haha, get it?? it looks like i am making a phonecall. but i’m n-*banana rings* oh crap
Ticketmaster: $55 per ticket
Me: ok I’ll take 2
Ticketmaster: ok that will be $400
I need a job folding towels that pays $40 an hour.
Michaelangelo: Yea, sure, I’ll paint your ceiling.
*To himself*
Errybody gon be naked tho.
[girl brings me back to her apartment]
her: come to bed
me: just one sec [velcro noises] [more velcro noises] [too many velcro noises]
Great game to play with friends
Wizard of Oz (1939): A hapless teen suffering from head trauma is led down the wrong path to cosplay, heroin, organ harvesting and ultimately, homicide.
50ME MIALS LLDO IONAT NED
NED
50ME MIALS LLDO IONAT
NED
ARE YOU LISTENING TO ME
Oh men definitely want to strangle me, just not in a sexy way.