reservations are so embarrassing like hi i’m here for my spaghetti appointment
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If you disagree with someone, just slap them with a fish.
[cat mom giving birth]
Cat dad: Aw, a healthy kit-
WHAT THE, twins!
OMG triplets…holy shit, 4?
(sweating)…5?
WTF IS HAP- 6 *faints*
To my writer friends. Just keep going. I was rejected over 48 times before I got my 49th rejection.
If the Christians published the Kama Sutra it would have been one page long.
“LUKE CHECK OUT HOW HARD I CAN CRY”
The elevators aren’t working and I work on the 10th floor.
I just may become the first person ever to call in sick from the security desk.
I don’t like to brag, but I don’t need it to be Friday the 13th in order to murder someone.
My daughter just found the dog leash and collar
Which would be less awkward to explain if we actually had a dog
This week’s mood.
1991: Mom gently rocks you to sleep
2024: Mom doesn’t rock you to sleep anymoreAnyone else notice this?
Full confession: I’ve begun taking an hour a week to destress by soaking in tub with bath salts while listening to classical music.
And it would work if that little voice in my head wouldn’t say each time, “This is the exact setup in a movie where someone is violently murdered.”
[a cat sitting in the sleigh impassively knocking presents out into the Pacific Ocean]
Rudolph: Santa Claws, NO
When you skip while carrying a can of gas people move out of your way. Even if you’re smiling. No one’s happy when you have gas.
Me: you need to do your homework
9: my teacher knows all the answers, why doesn’t she just do it herself
Because you can’t hang up in person.
Duct tape,
A barbed wire tattoo is a great way to keep people from breaking into your upper arm.
Mario: hey u up?
Princess: yeah y?
M: come over 😉
P: can’t. Kidnapped 🙁
M: Where? I’ll save u
P: castle. Up stairs, next 2 flagpole
M: k
Me: The dog’s eaten the remote control
Wife: Then get another one[later]
Wife: Change the channel
Me *petting 2 dogs* how?
Getting all my breaking news from Tinder these days.
Why is it called a phobia-induced breakdown and not tears for fears?
[walmart]
GREETER: hello 🙂
ME: [leans in close] what’s the cheapest toilet paper you got
GREETER: i don’t know offhand
ME: you’re disgusting
I have a condition where if I don’t walk as fast as humanly possible wherever I go I will die. I’m like the bus in Speed
my kids just finished a game of monopoly without fighting. they’re playing it wrong.
If you’ve seen one shopping centre, you’ve seen a mall.
8:00 AM: Too tired to think
Noon: Too tired to think
5:00 PM: Too tired to think
Midnight: How do dragons blow out candles??
Knock knock.
Who’s there?
Doorbell repairman…… the end.
Several of my internal organs hurt, but I’m 100% sure it’s not my body trying to tell me something.
banned from gardening forum for saying “it was me” every time someone posted and said “help, something is eating my tomatoes”
Stop saying “start a family” when you mean “have kids”. A couple is still a family. A single person and her cat is a family. A couple and their plants are still a family. Three weirdly close roommates could be a family. You don’t need kids to be a family.
Playdough smells better than other philosophers