Marvel are too COWARDLY to answer the REAL question: how many spiders can fit in one man
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*holding a toilet plunger at 7am* Oh I don’t know. How do you THINK today is going?
I swallowed a Ice Cube and I haven’t pooped it out yet, I’m really scared you guys.
Coworker: I have a degree in History. Me: That’ll really come in handy if life starts going backwards.
Are designated drivers only for people who drink?? Coz I’ve already dropped my keys twice just walking to my car.
I hope I never meet a genie offering one wish as picking between unlimited doughnuts or going to Sesame Street is gonna be impossible
I’m 25, which means I’m just as far from 10 as I am from 40.
Although, in terms of money and maturity, I’m still way closer to 10.
If you’re renting, and your landlord has a no pets policy, you can keep bats as long as you pretend to be mad about it.
[At dinner with wife’s friends]
Me: may I chime in
Wife: I swear to God if you brought your chimes-
*my bag dings a little as I unzip it*
Everybody’s big on freedom until they find you passed out naked on their boat
CITY PLANNER: what should we call the paved path next to the street
CRAB: i have an idea
Why do they say “character actress”? Is that to differentiate them from the all those actresses that only play walls and bits of furniture?
Hockey is a sport where people use feet knives to walk so they can score a goal with a tiny hamburger.
the hottest people have the worst stomach problems
I remember a story about a girl with a broken leg, and a boy who told her not to fight the pain but instead to gently ride its waves until she could actually see the pain far away beneath her, so she hit him with a rock.
[A pair of crocs sitting on a riverbank]
Why do you think people hate us so much?
“Idk. I blame the idiots who wear us with socks.”
My 6-year-old the first two min of every morning on spring break:
A shark is a predator with little fish but is it still a predator with a mosasaurus because a mosasaurus can eat it? What about a prognathadon & a titanoboa? A hyena? Is Thanos a predator? Can Thanos eat sharks or
Salon has hairs on the floor
Garages have oil on the floorBanks, What’s exactly your problem 😭
*harry walks into snape’s office*
“What is it Potter?”
*closes and locks door*
“I miss you”
“Harry…”
*puts finger on snape’s lips*
“Shhhhh”
the mechanic said it would be $800 to fix my brakes and I actually thought “how badly do I need them”
Throw a baby badger so high that when it lands on your enemy it’s fully grown and very upset. You left town years ago. The perfect crime.
Seat cushions are the original stool softeners
Publix cake decorators should get $50/hr
Son: can I get lunch money
Dad: I have a boyfriend
To the idiots who say ghosts aren’t real, maybe you should watch this documentary called Ghostbusters.
Everything goes as planned when nothing’s planned.
C. S. Lewis: *writes a Narnia book in a week with no outline*
me: *writing multiple drafts of a three-sentence DM to a crush*
The Welsh language was invented by a dad losing at Scrabble.
[i read a pun]
me: ugh, no[i make a pun]
me: BEHOLD THE ARTISTRY