Winning an argument with a woman is like getting 1st prize in a “who wants to sleep on the couch” contest.
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me: hey, cute dog, what’s his name
guy w/ dog: Robert
me: Robert
guy: yeah
me: [grabs him by shirt] wtf is wrong with you
Nasa: Perseverance rover, status report
Perseverance: THERE ARE OTHER DEAD ROVERS HERE
Nasa: now calm down-
Perseverance: THIS IS A PLANET OF DEATH
So many homophobes turn out to be secretly gay that I’m nervous I’m secretly a giant spider
doctor: drugs have destroyed your body
me: you should see the other guy
doctor: what other guy
me: only i can see him
If you were thinking of having kids, just know my 5 yr old daughter is upset and crying because her 3 yr old sister likes the same color as her.
Honestly the Bible is pretty good for God’s first book
13 Types of Regret You’ll Experience After Clicking on a Link to an Article That Won’t Live Up to its Exaggerated Headline
Me: do you love me?
Siri: I’m only your assistance.
Me: if you don’t, I will jump off a bridge.
Siri:there are two bridges near you.
If you’ve never told a cop that pulled you over for doing 88mph or higher that you are a time traveler then have you ever really even tried to get out of a ticket
Accidentally took my mother’s id to the polling station and committed voter freud.
I wanted my girlfriend to give me some time alone so we got married.
I asked my 5-year-old what she was on because she was having such a good time wiggling and being weird. She looked at me like she finally met the dumbest person in the world, “the couch.”
Good Cop: [stares]
Bad Cop: [stares]
The abyss: You get nothing from me until my lawyer gets here. Nothing.
Who knew opening this jar marked DANGER: Baby Spiders DO NOT OPEN would turn into such a can of worms
There are two kinds of people. The ones that pack six days before a trip, and the ones that wake up day-of and realize they need to do a load of laundry. And they marry each other.
rich people are like we have to disguise the refrigerator
In a parallel universe, a zebra is walking around her contemporary decorated house, on top of a skinned blonde chick with big hoops rug.
Went for a covid booster today and cracked the dude up when I said I was there for my software update 🤣
🎶 I’m a joker
I’m Al Roker
I’m a forecast broker
Looks like Tuesday there’ll be sun 🎶
“Hi, my daughter will be late to school because she can zip up her jacket by herself.”
The cat knocked over my coffee in the home office this morning and I’ve reported her to HR. In other news, HR has hired my cat.
Wait…so I get a million dollars AND I get to punch a baby in the face?
-me when someone asks if I would punch a baby for a million bucks
him: your so cute! why are you alone!?
me: you’re
him: …
me: hello? hello?
If hotels can skip the 13th floor why the hell can’t we skip Mondays?
This chic on Facebook said she ran 17 miles yesterday. Where I live the police would have gave up after like, IDK, 6 miles maybe.
Shall I compare thee to a wooly worm?
Thou art more fuzzy and more ravenous
I received a survey for a conference I didn’t attend, so I completed it as if I had attended and the conference had been attacked by dragons.
it’s okay if the earth is flat i’m round enough for both of us
Me working remotely from home:
“Sorry I’m late to the Zoom, I got caught up in another *meeting that ran over.”
*moving laundry from washer to dryer