Free him
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Do you ever get road rage while walking behind someone moving slow at the grocery store?
A little birdie told me it’s your birthday and a giraffe told me to rob a bank and I think I took the wrong medication this morning.
My friend bought a house and I’m happy for him but part of me keeps thinking he could’ve bought so many hot dogs with all that money.
“I” before “E”, except after “C”. That’s an efficient rule. Very efficient. Yep…efficient.
[alternate universe]
cows on a road-trip: look a car!
When you give them a gift card to a restaurant because you don’t like them enough to take to dinner.
a pizza is basicaly a real-time pie chart of how much pizza i am going to eat
Somewhere in a parallel universe, I hope there’s a giant dog with a tiny woman in her purse.
[casting call]
-have u acted before?
*shows VHS of me at a food court eating free samples like I might purchase the meal
-oh this guys good
everyone hates on Gollum but he had the right idea: become a hermit, collect jewels, swim naked in lakes and pools, occasionally hiss at people who try to make you go places
Me: Accept your flaws. You’ll feel better. It worked for me.
Her: You accepted your flaws?
Me: No. I accepted your flaws.
Parenting is much harder nowadays. For example, you have to be able to push a kid on a swing and tweet at the same time.
Torturer: I will break you
Me: Do you wear that hood to hide your sadness?
Torturer: *broken* ah hell man I just wanted to be a chef
This looks nothing like what I ordered…
WTF is this????
MySpace just bought a pack of Ramen noodles.
In my opinion, we should keep on eating meat until the planet runs out. And then, and only then, do we start on the children.
Pho tastes great for a food that sounds like it just gave up.
When they said “History repeats itself,” I wasn’t expecting all of the twentieth century in two years.
you know being royal isn’t a real job cuz 4 people can just stop working and nothing happens. if 4 people stopped working at the mcdonald’s drive thru that shit would go up in flames
I think the least the government could do right now is cancel calories, do they even understand how much cheese is needed daily to eat one’s feelings
Me: *Chants in Latin in a deep, demonic voice while levitating*
My mom: Just ignore him. He’s only doing it for attention. Classic middle child syndrome.
I’d wager that @RudyGiuliani will not spend a moment in an actual courtroom in front of a judge. He will go around media outlets like Fox or OAN saying he has the evidence but will never present anything in an actual court of law.
I passed gas and my husband asked if I said something so I’ve been laughing for 28 minutes now.
James Blunt: you’re beautiful
James Blunter: I’ve seen better
Inventor of rice cakes: What if chewing air made a noise?
Reading a magazine waiting at the checkout and was told, “this is not a library”, so I read it out loud.
I saw Jesus trending and my heart dropped. My first thought was ‘damn you 2016!’ but then i realized it was just his birthday.
They’re not all brilliant, but they’re all mine. Meaning my tweets, and maybe my kids, whatever.
I was once put in the ‘friend zone,” but with perseverance that all changed. I’m now in the ‘must stay 200 yards away at all times zone.’
If I could be any super hero I’d be The Flash, but instead of wearing his costume I’d wear a trench coat. Same name, different purpose.