It’s amazing that no one at this swim up bar has had to go to the bathroom in the last three hours.
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I only use balsamic vinegar made from the finest of ballsams.
Do you know who REALLY gets irony?
Skydiving schools.
Cuz you gotta drop out to graduate!
*releases mic to float down on tiny parachute*
Imagining the Matrix pill scene if Neo bent down and ate the red pill directly out of Morpheus’ hand like a petting zoo goat and Morpheus completely froze weirded out
Coworker: Stop
Me: collaborate and listen
Coworker: Don’t
Me: you forget about me
Coworker: Hey!
Me: teacher, leave them kids alone
If we reverse engineered electronics from a crashed UFO, it’s only a matter of time before aliens return with patent lawyers and sue us into oblivion.
Me: so every time I work out I reward myself with a cookie
Them: isn’t that kind of defeating the…
Me: NOBODY ASKED YOU BRENDA!
Hubs, “What are we doing tonight?”
Me, “As long as I’m with you I’m happy.”~Watches him watch ESPN on his phone~
Me, “I want a divorce.”
Watching a group of 11 children try to work as a group to solve a puzzle really helps you understand why international diplomacy is so flawed.
Son: Dad, I want to be in politics when I grow up.
Dad: Are you insane?
Have you completely lost your mind?
Are you a moron?Son: Forget it! There are way too many requirements!
I have actually used trigonometry for work. I was promised by so many people that this would never happen.
My GF’s anti aging cream went bad.
HOW DOES ANTI AGING CREAM HAVE AN EXPIRATION DATE?!
Doctor: I have some bad news
Me: Why can’t my grandma tell me?
Doctor: I’m afraid she passed
Me: oh no
Grandma: Yeah screw that, I’m not doing it
A warehouse is just a regular house that was bitten by a wolf under the full moon.
Cop: license and registration
Me: that won’t be necessary officer
*places a glazed donut in his pocket
HER: [whispering seductively] tell me your wildest fantasy
ME: [also whispering] owning a home
I don’t lock my car doors, so if someone wants to steal my egg mcmuffin wrappers, Sonic happy hour cups and 47 cents, they’re welcome to it.
Stupid people who suddenly make a smart decision have no idea how confusing that is for the rest of us.
(Gamblers Anonymous meeting)
Leader: Bob, tell us why you’re here.
Me: $20 it’s a Blackjack addiction.
Group: *all rushing to place bets*
I don’t wash my car for months but the first week I do it rains 5 times. 😡
Do you really think cats would have anything to do with us if they could open cans of cat food by themselves?
“Emergency Defibrillator”
As opposed to the one we keep around for fun?
I don’t know why they are staring. Ignore them.
*Holds drink up to your voodoo doll’s mouth*
waiter: any allergies i should know about?
me: uh, peanuts?
waiter: [disappointed] aw i already know that one.
I asked my boyfriend “How pretty am I on a scale from 9.5-10?”
{Working as a bouncer}
ID please
*looks*
Okay you can go
*softly kisses their forehead first*
Jealous that secret agents can get out of any phone conversation at any time by saying “it’s not safe to talk on the phone right now”
My daughter put on a princess dress and asked if I had any “play pretend” outfits so I put on workout clothes.
Hate when the grammar police single me out like some kind of which hunt
You seem stressed. Perhaps I can help by stepping on your computer’s power button
–cats
Apparently pumping to a woman means something entirely different.
I thought she meant the gym.
I wondered why my cereal tasted funny…😫😫😫