[explaining fingernails to an alien]
ME: like little bones that grow out of our hands.
ALIEN: ok, that sounds fake, but ok.
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Concierge: Welcome to Paris, monsieur.
Me: You recognize this man?
*slides photo*
Concierge: That’s Pepe le Pew.
Me: If you see him you call me. *leans in* My cat’s been taken.
John Travolta is the only person in history to have ever had chills that were capable of doing math.
That feeling of unadulterated smugness that comes when you get the daily Wordle in fewer attempts than the rest of your family
GUY WHO INVENTED THE PHOTOGRAPH: I invented the photograph!
GUY WHO HATES THE GUY WHO INVENTED PHOTOGRAPHS AND IS ABOUT TO INVENT PUZZLES: Cool can I see that?
The movie “Up” could never have been filmed today…
RHCP: Red Hot Chili Peppers
my brain: Real Housewives of Chili Peppers
[turns to buddy just before bar fight]
“I’ll take the guy with the glasses, you take the guy dressed as a ninja”
Drove to my parents house to exchange ham and coconut cake from 6 feet apart. It was like a weird ham and coconut cake drug deal.
There’s a great new book on minimalism but I only read the blurb because I believe that’s what the author would want.
Shout out to all the animals that help Disney princesses get shit done.
COMCAST: have you considered getting with the world’s number one selling broadband?
ME: [thinking he meant the Spice Girls] ..all the time.
I saw a guy drink a coke in the store and pay for it later, but I’d barely gotten the cork out of this wine bottle before the manager confronted me.
Cake containers are so noisy because guilt does its best harmonizing at 3am and the kitchen has nice acoustics.
My insurance guys slogan is I’m Zach and I’ve got your back… good thing his name wasn’t Rick
I try not to worry about things outside of my control, or things that are the direct result of my deliberate choices.
Anne Boleyn: My love, I wait for but one word from you
Henry VIII: New phone who dis
Anne: Your wife
Henry VIII: Lol which one
You can imagine my embarrassment when I was escorted out of the herpetologists office by police because he isn’t an std doctor
Please lower gas prices, I’m not built for onlyfans
Remember, parents: your children look to you for guidance. Kids are dumb like that.
A 2yo thought he was sabotaging my pb&j by inserting pretzels in the middle but HA! It’s actually quite tasty.
If they really loved you, they’d absorb you through osmosis.
doctor who has a passion for magic, during a colonoscopy: is this your card?
Claustrophobia is the fear of closed spaces…
For example, I’m going to the liquor store and I’m scared that it may be closed…
Sometimes I’ll stop the treadmill at the gym and run in place. When people ask me what I’m doing, I’ll say, “Pretend stoplight.”
we just got an unexpected parcel from my mother in law with a lovely set of iron windchimes and we could not figure out why on earth she’d sent us a gift so we rang her and turns out we both forgot it’s our anniversary tomorrow
Robocop: I am Robotcop
Criminal: You don’t say the t you robo moron
R: [visibly confused] Pu down he gun you are under arres
they say plastic straws are ruining the ocean, so i’ve started throwing mine in the garbage instead
Firecrackers let you know how close drunk people are to your house.
If I’ve learned anything from Disney, it’s this:
If you happen across a woman’s corpse, in the forest? Kiss it.
Most guys that think they know everything about women usually lack one thing…. A woman.