ME: [holding door for wife]
WIFE: Why can’t we just buy an umbrella?
You Might Also Like
Accidentally texted “Olay” instead of “Okay” and now my text has a smooth, youthful look.
I could shower but I wouldn’t mean it
Single and divorced men in their 40’s
prefer women at their own maturity level.That explains why they date women
half their age.
My dog Daisy, whom I love very much, just ate a check from a foundation for $50k. Most awkward email I’ve had to send in a long time.
“Let’s wake up super early, stand in the freezing cold with mobs of people & harass a cute little groundhog!” ~White people
Storming out is far less effective when your innate politeness forced you to hold the door open for the person behind you.
HEALTH OFFICIAL: one way to slow the spread of disease is to isolate yourself from people
ME: way ahead of you
Apparently banging the hell out of this remote doesn’t seem to be recharging these dead batteries.
People say I’m hard to get hold of but my fax machine is always on.
Ke$ha looks like a character I would select in Mortal Kombat
Why stop at 7-layer dip? Make it 15 layers. 25. Go nuts. There is literally no one policing this.
Ironically, my toys are also called Buzz and Woody
Did my noble deed today and got a few boxes of Girl Scout cookies. It wasn’t for me, it was for the organization of course.
If I took every USB cable I’ve ever owned and strung them end-to-end, I’d have a cable 34 miles long that I still couldn’t find when I needed it.
The concept of a sister wife doesn’t bother me so much as the fact there’d be one more person in my damn way this morning.
My boyfriend said it would be nice if once in a while he woke up to breakfast in bed…
I put his bed in the kitchen…
My family gather round while the lawyer quietly reads my will. He hands out 1 hot dog each and when they finish eating he asks them to leave
The fact that my AC suggests “church” after “I’m heading to…” suggests I have a dumb phone instead of a smart phone.
*thinks every animal is a type of dog*
*sees a cat* scratch dog
*sees a parrot* talk dog
*sees a worm* spaghetti dog
Me: I need to start buying gifts for people; Christmas is coming up.
Also me: *buying myself a Burr Coffee Grinder* I’m technically people, so….
*invites cute girl over for dinner. Orally de-bones a whole chicken*
Not enough arguments are settled with a dance off.
(to kid at lemonade stand) i ain’t buying shit until i find you on yelp
yea we make fun of the fact the business people in the jurassic park universe keep giving the green light to a theme park that kills like 75 people every couple of years just cause its profitable but damn if thats not the most realistic part lol
Why is every haunted place a spooky old house or hotel? If a tragedy occurring at a location leads to a haunting, every Waffle House and bus station in the world would be teeming with spirits.
You’re not meeting me at my best, my best was like 10 minutes 16 years ago
Texts “Are you okay?” Blink 3 times. No need to reply.
360-degree action cams finally finding a valid use case
If by chipper you mean woodchipper, then yes, I have a chipper personality.
Pennywise does live in the sewer, rent free. That speaks to financial discipline. And he eats children, who are also free. Based on that, I’m gonna say the name is more likely earnest than ironic.