I’ve had like 6 red bulls, so of course I’m vacuuming the front yard.
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“Have some balls. Speak your mind. Keep it real.” – People with anonymous Twitter accounts
[slowly pushing iceberg in front of titanic]
little mermaid: 🎶I’ll have gadgets and gizmos a-plenty🎶
My 1 yr old only says the words “no,” “mine,” and “bye” and I tried it out and it turns out that’s actually all you need.
Sometimes when my boyfriend and I aren’t speaking, we have the dog deliver notes to each other
I just got a message from the dog asking where the good mustard is
I just found out that there’s a dating site for people with mullets and the people who love them. Lol! *looks over shoulder* *signs up*
Staying with my parents, pt. 3:
[4 yo is following my dad around]
Her: Whatcha doin?
Dad: Grabbing things for errands
Her: Whatcha doin now?
Him: Going to the garage
Her: Where you goin now?
Him: WHAT ARE YOU THE KGB? YOU GONNA REPORT BACK TO MOTHER RUSSIA?! LEAVEMEALONE
I generally don’t trim my ear hair until it effects my peripheral vision.
Me: Has anyone ever told you that you look like Ryan Gosling?
Him: Me? No, but thank-
Me: Ok just making sure.
All semester I got 60% on my tests while sober. Took my final exam drunk and got a 84% on it – University of Wisconsin Parkside
All I want for Christmas is a domesticated raccoon that wants to eat lasagna with me & go on quirky adventures. It would also be nice if the raccoon could do magic but I understand that is asking a lot and therefore, it is not required.
If we just switch to cursive and ban automatic transmissions, we can cripple an entire generation.
I let my kid stir the pancake batter and now he keeps asking for the whisk-y, going to have a lot of explaining to do at preschool
A toddler can do more in one unsupervised minute than most people can do all day.
Me: big day today
Brain: we’re ready
Me: yep
Brain: not like last time
Me: what
Brain: when you wrote ‘gren’ on the colors test
Me: I was 5
Brain: don’t blow it today
pantsless bc the day after international women’s day means women are half off
It was the best of times.
It was the worst of times.
It had mixed feelings about the times.
Dogs can be sound asleep, get up and shake it off and they’re ready to go. I tried this and sprained my neck
[Star Wars Episode VII scene]
Princess Leia: I love you Han.
Han Solo: *favs but doesn’t reply*
Before you decide to have kids, you should know that they need to be entertained 27 hours a day.
My math is correct, just ask any parent.
I cried at a wedding once. The reception was a cash bar.
What do you call a moose with no name?
Anonymoose.
For those who don’t know the difference, GRAPHIC NOVELS are COMPLETE stories, where as COMICS are people I try not to date any more.
I took a break from social media to spend more time with my family. My family has requested I spend more time with social media.
Bow Wow’s full name is actually Boward Woward
Welcome to innuendo club. This is going to be a long and hard session, if you know what I mean.
I hate it when people say “Oh, I’m a vegetarian except for fish”.
Yeah? And I’m a non-smoker except for cigarettes. #WorldVeganDay
If by ‘paleontologist’ you mean I can name all 5 shapes in the box of dinosaur chicken nuggets then, yes, I am a paleontologist.
mobster: *choking me with garrote*
me: ok NOW I’m wearing a wire lol
ADHD is being excited to have a looming deadline because it means it’s actually going to be easy to start your work today.
Doctor: you’re never too old to start exercising
Me: cool thanks i’ll start in maybe like 15 years then