[Jews being led out of Egypt]
Woman: *mumbles* 40 years? He couldn’t just stop & ask directions?
Moses: WHO SAID THAT? NO MANNA FOR YOU!
You Might Also Like
*Runs 6 miles*
*Adds Kenyan to resume*
Just say no
If you wake me with a text at 5am, I will answer you because I’m helpful but the answer will be that night at 2am because I’m also vengeful.
6yo’s can’t go to jail so I have no idea why this one’s refusing to drive me home from the pub.
trying to convince my wife to stop leaving out food for the scarecrow that ominously gets a little closer to the house each night
[scene of car accident]
bystander: is your baby ok
me: no he’s a complete jerk
Baby Lawyer: Did you steal the victim’s nose?
Accused: No. *cries into palms
Baby Judge: O, great, he’s disappeared again.
After a long journey Frodo and Sam arrive to return the One Ring to the fires of Mt. Doom
Frodo: Dude dont be mad, but I forgot the receipt
I’m not allowed at the gym anymore because I dropped my chili dog on the treadmill
The club can’t even handle me right now. Like, the club’s just had a very emotionally draining day and the club’s been in a weird place.
My wife wants to go on a romantic date for Valentine’s Day so I guess I’ll stay home with the kids.
Me: With a name like that, your parents must hate you.
Myparentsdislikeme: Hate is a strong word.
ALL THE JADED LADIES
all the jaded ladies
ALL THE JADED LADIES
all the jaded ladies
[months from now]
CDC: aight it’s safe to go outside
Me: *now fluent in 6 languages, daily phone calls with grandma, black belt, 8 hours+ sleep each night, skin looks AMAZING, befriended a spunky spider under the fridge* are…are you sure?
God: Lo shall humanity have dominion o’er the earth, o’er the beasts.
Beasts: wtf
Humanity: Haha yesssss
God: but also shall humanity feel bad about everything, all of it, every last thing shall they feel bad about
Humanity: wait
Beasts: lol
God: lol
#FeaturesIWishMyHouseHad
Wish it had walls
LIFE HACK: Make your waist feel dramatically smaller by accidentally trying on maternity pants.
My car spider built a web across my steering wheel & now I can’t go anywhere.
Netflix, stop making me wait 15 seconds between episodes. I can’t click because I’m eating cereal and a sandwich.
I like my coffee like I like my slaves.
Free, you racist.
waiter: “anything to drink?”
4 year old: “my mom needs a fucking margarita”
So, yeah, they’re always listening.
ME: I quit texting and driving after the accident.
HER: Were you hurt?
[flashback to 12 hot dogs rolling off the dashboard]
ME: So hurt.
walked into a screen door after seeing a bird fly into a glass window, this probably means something, probably something stupid
Sorry waiter for pushing you over when you asked me to tip you
[looking disappointed at the playboy mansion]
i was told there’d be bunnies
I can’t believe it’s so cold I have to wear gloves inside. I mean I’m not even robbing anything or trying not to leave fingerprints
There’s been a whole lot of office Romance since I became self employed…
Weird how I can’t seem to reach anything at the grocery store when bearded men are around
DND allows you to play out even the most impossible fantasies, such as:
-Speaking multiple languages
-Traveling with friends
-Being Charismatic
-Waking up Early
-Having money
So I’m sitting, minding my own business when *BAM*
Nothing happens