“No, no. No! NO!” – guy who invented black ski masks after people started using them for robbing
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“When I said Legos, I meant Roblox, but don’t worry about it. Santa knows what I meant.”
My 4YO, on the evening of December 23rd.
it’s so important we compare women to other women because in the end, as we all know, there can only be one woman
The water main broke in my hotel which means no water until 3am. This is how the front desk employee broke the news: “You all have 2 flushes left. Make them count.”
Tubi just be putting anything on here… I just saw me walking by. 🤦🏽♀️
My 1yo is crawling around on the floor eating a pretzel, which shouldn’t be a problem except I don’t remember the last time I bought pretzels.
For the love of God, what is Jesus saving? Is it coupons? I bet it’s coupons
Jan – Nov: depressed
December: depressed but with tinsel
This is a fact based meme 😏😂
I can really relate to eminem in “8 mile” because my moms spaghetti is really bad too
“Here taste this ” followed by a 32 minute speech on all the ingredients.
No more eating spaghetti while driving and this time I mean it.
Me: I wonder why my stomach hurts
Taco Bell: that’s weird, I dunno what it could be
Facebook is the biggest whistle-blower of them all, telling people I saw their messages.
Still trying to figure out how to compliment a woman’s skin without sounding like I want to wear it
A friend sent me this and now I can’t think of anything else
first you must answer his riddles
*Listens to We Didn’t Start the Fire by Billy Joel*
*Adds history major to resumé*
My wife screamed “you haven’t listened to a single word I’ve said, have you?!
I was taken aback….what a weird way to start a conversation.
To the driver of the truck with the ENVYME vanity plate who took up two spaces and left me nowhere to park: Why would I envy someone with four freshly deflated tires?
me: looks like I don’t have to plant any mint, it grew back on its own
mint: yep, you don’t have to worry about me
second mint: me neither!
me: I don’t remember planting you
third mint: sup fellas how we doin
So rude of the public to always be there whenever I go out.
i hired a cleaning lady but when she got here she refused to wash me like a dog
How many different animals did we have to jump on the backs of before we discovered horses were cool with it?
No one is born racist. Racism is taught. By other races.
[recording studio]
me: [into microphone] studio
sound engineer: nice [takes off headphones] i think we got it
[first date with a skeleton]
ME: So um… have you always been a skeleton?
HER: No, in high school I was a-
ME: Wait, no-
HER: Skeleteen.
Keeping an extra close eye on 7 since she said that The Grinch is good at everything after she watched him spin his head around
I ate cereal for dinner because I do what I want. I’m an adult.
Oh did I say adult? I meant poor. It’s because I’m poor.
Music can take you places instantly.
Like whenever I hear Nickelback
playing on my car radio…It instantly takes me to another station.
I just want to be rich enough to say “that won’t be necessary” when the police go to handcuff me