Shopping for chicken breasts at the grocery store
Price: $7.04
“No way”
Price: $6.94
“Now we’re talking”
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Doing squats. And by that I mean I’m in the squat position. But really the couch is holding me up. I’m sitting on the couch.
Dora: “Swiper, no swiping!”
Swiper (on Tinder): …
“It’s hotter than a junkie’s spoon in July”
Excuse me, what kind of Florida metric system are we using now??
Google Maps says it’s a 29 minute walk, but where’s the secret calculation for the long-legged and impatient?
Your kids paranoid there’s a monster under their bed? Have I got a holiday for you.
*Adds brown food coloring to hot water*
Me serving decaf
It’s time to play “Is My Kid Hugging Me or Cleaning His Nose or Both?”
My husband made me a really romantic dinner once. When I finished cleaning the kitchen a week later, I warned him never to do anything like that to me ever again.
The tampon aisle is a terrible place to pick up chicks.
“you are one of the four horsemen of cringe” – my 12yo
I was going to buy my wife a car for Christmas but then I remembered I don’t live in a commercial.
I was eating BBQ ribs and my waitress asked me if I wanted a wet nap…
…I told her it wasn’t necessary because I had one earlier today.
ok hear me out: Luigiana
Welcome to Starbucks how may I help you?
“Regular coffee with cream please”
That’s $40, 5ml of unicorn tears, and 10 dragon scales.
“TEN?”
Bae: Are you coming over?
Me: Yes, I’m coming over.
– Me and Bae having CB Radio sex
My mother keeps saying my boyfriend seems like someone who’d be really good with children. Except, she’s never seen him interact with children. She’s only seen him interact with me. So idk where that impression comes from…
The pitter patter of little feet is one of the most joyful sounds in the world…
…unless it’s 3am…
…and it’s coming from your roof.
It might just be MAX now, but whenever his mom gets mad she still calls him by his full name, Hubert Bertinelli Oscar Maximus the third
mom had nothing to worry about
Relationship status: you’d think something called a Roomba would be a better dancer
“Dad, can you explain the eclipse to me?”
“No sun.”
RIP to the iPod. Kids today will never know the glory of having these all listed as different artists
Death Cab for Cutie
Death cab for cutie
Death Cab For Cutie
Death Cab for Cu…
“Robots will never rule the earth” I say as I stand up at the beckoning of my watch
Just heard about this teacher who had sex with his student. Another reason I won’t send MY dog to obedience school
” I need you ”
– Me in the toilet roll aisle
Sometimes I answer your rhetorical questions because I think you are that stupid.
What can I eat that’s healthy and a donut?
every once in a while one of these nerds really swings for the fences
“Oh, are you driving?” -Good question to ask someone as they force you into their trunk
Me: I’m not paying someone to do this job when I can do it myself.
Me, 30 minutes into job: I will pay someone all my money.